Blah Blah Blah.

Haven't posted in forever.

Why are people adding me if i don't post?
Thanks tho. It means some people care.

My family don't.

Friends don't.

You'd be shocked if i filled you in on everything that has happened.
I will, i promise.
Just-not tonight.

I Need A Doctor.

Thanks for everyone that commented.
It made me feel better.

I have so much motivations, but my family keeps holding me back.
We go to weddings and out to eat.
People stare when you don't want anything.
So you order.
Then eat.
Then stay fat.

I wanna come back to school with lighter hair (i'm goona get more highlights), darker skin (TAN!), and a kick-ass body (don't eat like a pig!).
Simple, right?
Wrong.

Smile Like You Mean It.

I'm passive-agressive, I know it.
I haven't been posting because no one comments, few read.
I figured if no one would comment, i might as well not post.
Then i figured I needed this.
Yes, it's so bad, that i actually need something.
I've always prided myself (secretly) in not needing anything.
Then D made me freak out.
What happened (finally!) is we were texting. He seemed odd, and i asked why. He said that he did like me, but just as a friend. And, go fucking figure, he still liked my cuz A.
Bullet through my heart.
Not literally, obviously.

Lately (last 3 weeks? 2?) I've been a bitch and have been leading this guy on.
Imma tell him [soon] that i don't really like him.
All we did is snuggle a bit.
And text.
Alot.
I just don't have feelings for him.
I [almost] wish i did.

Today was bad (food wise) but the days before were good.
Real good.
No more driver's edd (classroom, i'll still have to drive with him...but not for like 2 weeks) so Imma get up early (9 a.m. is freakin' early when you don't sleep enough, just sayin') and go for a walk. I'm not sure how far. I may just do the long loop...3.5 miles...and then tomorrow night i'm doing this sandbag thing for like 4 1/2 hours...lots of lifting...i'm planning on skipping breakfast and just eating lunch...maybe get out of dinner? And i just got my friend M to agree to go with me (on the walk) so i definitely will not let myself get out of it :)

My body is so embaressing right now.
I'll post more, probably every day.
I don't care if no one reads these.

And I Hope That You See Right Through These Walls.

I know, I haven't posted in awhile.

Busy.

Got back, a few hours ago, from state track. Did ok, i think? I don't know my split when i was running, but it felt good, so whatever.

I'm really tired.
Story of my life.

Guys are doushes, most atleast. I still should explain what happened with D.
Will some other day.

I wanna Fuckbuddy. No, not to actually have sex with (still 14) but just to mess around with. Kiss, Makeout, the works. Actually, that's basically it. I want to get my first kiss over with. I could...with this guy A.S...but i'm not attracted to him. He's younger too. He likes me, he told me, but i told him i didn't know. It's definitely a no tho.

I cut for the first time right before my last post. Sorry I didn't tell you. I did again a few other times. When I'm stressed, or crying, i do. Once crying, rest stressed. I really liked it. My friend M. asked me about it by my mom. My mom freaked out and I managed to blame it on the dog, and she said she'd cut his nails. I need a new place now. Maybe hip? No idea. They're all over my left arm. Obvious, right?

I'm so scared. I feel myself slowly changing. Mainly in a bad way. Help.

SCHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOLS OUT! TILL NEXT YEAR!

That was meant as a song, but you get my point. :)
School's obviously out, had last track meet today.
Just kidding, i THOUGHT it would be, but turns out I'm running at state.
The Medly.
I'm running the 200.
Fun.
I really should be excited, it amazing he picked me...but I don't want to. I just wanna watch and scream and cheer. That's fun.
Running isn't.
Practice isn't.
Practice untill state (like 2 weeks)

Food: I'm goona go crazy this summer. Barely anything. I'm even giving up diet coke...i don't want to be bloated. I'm goona exercize like crazy. I'm excited.

Everyday Is A Winding Road.

I have so much to say. I don't want to.

I'm just going to simply say this: Today was amazing.

I felt like an average girl...all day.

I had my moments, should i have that 3rd small slice of pizza because I [sorta accidentally] skipped lunch? Or should i tell my friend to? My friend did.

This group (Team Spuds) made T-shirts all day. We spent hours Tie-dying them and cutting them, and tieing stuff...hours. Then a few of us (friend AH and D) hung out at D's and watched old videos of us three. Man, we were cute. Man, i was loud!

After about an hour, after we had eaten, we went to a dogeball tourney. We won 2/4, which was great! Usually that sucks, but we won against seniors...it was funny :)

I just got home and am very, very tired.

Tomorrow I'll be working on this Anne Frank proj. (Semester test powerpoint) for English, and then cleaning my room, and then organizing papers for other semester tests. It doesn't sound like alot, but after church, imma be tired...i wish we could skip. I know, I sound like a bad Christian, but i really wanna sleep in. I'm already feeling the stress of Semester Tests coming, which are this week, and i feel like I'll need all the sleep I can get. I need to stop thinking.

What's So Wrong?

What's so wrong with me, that no guy ever really wants to be with me?
Why do they say they do, but fall for someone else?
What did i do?
What can i do?
What's so wrong with me!?!

Even Brighter Than The Moon.

Ugh. Sunburn+Too Much Food+Still Hungry+Lieing Around+Tooooooooo Many Spiders= Bad Track Day.
Why i said spiders: i saw fricken 10 SPIDERS! Man, i sure hate them. There's soooooooo many there, i can't even lay down for more than 10 min without seeing one crawling next to me. Needless to say, there was a ton of screaming going on...
PollyAnna: Thanks for the comment! It means alot to me when you do. For some weird reason, I haven't been getting very many from people lately, and i don't know why. Thank tho :) And i don't know. Like...I liked track, when i was really good. Now I'm average, and making myself work to just be average...not something i enjoy. And i hate running. This may be my last year. I'm unsure.

Food wise: I don't think i can do Healthy/ish. Every SINGLE day I've gone over. I'm an all or nothing girl. I really would rather just restrict. It's sooo much easier. Sooo...today is...

Intake:
1 granola bar (90)
1 PB&J Sandwhich (300ish)
2 G2S (90)
1 diet coke (0)
2 Pinapple cup things (160) [2x80]

Total: 640

I'm ok with that. I'm still hungry, but i'll eat before bed. Dang, it's only 3:34 right now. Ugh.
I'm also kinda happy that 90 of those cals. are from liquids. And the sandwhich is a guess. I know the bread is 150, and the peanut butter is probably 90, and the jelly's about 50, so that equalls...290. So the total's really like 630. Then again, i may be a little off. My mom made the sandwhich, and she put alot of stuff on it. That's why everything's so high.

D.S. was texting weird last night. He seemed mad...but i was hoping it was just because he ran badly at the track meet (he's a stud, and he went to this out of town one with like 10 other studs...obviously i didn't go). And A. has been talking more...so i'm thinking D.S and A. talked...and he probably chose her or whatever. She said to chose between us, but he never answered. I'm pretty sad about that, honestly. I really like him, and i know we could be something this summer. And after the dance...it was pretty obvious he liked me. I wanna say it's because i'm fat, but A.  is bigger than me, so i don't think that's it.

P.S.   A. has been watching her weight. It's soooo weird. She used to eat a TON and now she is like...saying how she ate a salad the night before and how she eats 80 cal. yogurt and stuff. It's making me think about my weight more. It's a plus and a minus at the same time.

And...i think I'll have popcorn soon...I'm still starving. I don't know. I'll keep the total under 900. Maybe i could restict, but at like 800 or 700 usually. I don't know. I may try it for tomorrow.

He Was Looking To...The Sky.

Sooo much stuff! Ok, i'll start off with the gigantic part.

DS. What else to say? Ahhh...the dance! It was the best dance of my LIFE! I mean it. We were slow danceing withh ALL of our body parts touching (remember, we're both 14:) and it was incredible. We were texting later and he said how he really wanted to kiss me...i said he should have :) (Never been kissed...yet) And it was truely just amazing. :)
Then I came home...
Got on facebook...
Talked to cousin A...
(Remember how she and DS dated?)
She freaked out about us going to the dance together...DS told A that he liked me [:)] but she got super pissed. I explained it wasn't like official (yet) or anything...but she didn't care. The next day she wouldn't even make small talk with me...she said "If it were anyone else i wouldn't care." Fuck no. She'd be just as pissed. She's just using the whole "cousins" thing as an excuse. Whatever. Yesterday and today she's talked a little to me. Not like before. I wonder if it ever will be? I'm goona make it like before...even if I'm mad.

So, I called my friend D and i cried on the phone to her. A. made me feel like i was this terrible person for having feelings for DS...when i know I'm not. I mean- we both said we'd never fall for each other...it just wouldn't happen. But it did, and we're trying to deal with everything that comes with it.
_______________________________________
Next Topic
_______________________________________

Weight: Unsure.

Starting tomorrow I'm goona try eat Healthy/ish. My goal is 1000 cal. a day. Notice how i put the cap. letter on Healthy'ish? I did :)

Band contests was today. I play alto sax. (incase ya forgot) and i got a +1 (best ya can get) I was really happy. I worked hard on that...and altho i messed up some easy parts, i think it was alright.

Life's moving fast for me. Summer is coming up (less than 10 days because of track meets) Speaking of track: I freakin' hate it. Why would I wanna run 2 mile? I don't! That's why! I just goota remember that it's almost over...and i need it. I've been wearing only my loose pants. I don't know what i can fit into.

I'll try to post everyday, at least once, but no promises. Sorry. I'm trying. Holy crap, that was a long post! :)

You're One Of A Kind.

Weight: 132.2 [-1.0]

How did i lose a pound when i ate more than 1000 cal.?

I so don't get that.

I hope i get the same results, cause i already ate about 600.

And I Like The Way That We Kiss.

Most amazing dance of my life.

One of the worst nights tho, after it.

Realish.

133.2
My hair is still damp from my shower last night.
I'm pretty sure it's really 133.
My BROTHER (always been the small, short one) is almost as tall as i am now, and he's 132. I told him we're the same weight. He thought i was more.

Focus Now.

Ok, quick before i go to bed.

Total: 400ish. Not exactly sure. But i know it can't be more than 410.

Weight: Won't tell.

Haha, i know, I'm mean. Actually, my weight dissapointed me greatly this morning. I thought i would be atleast a pound or two less. Nope. Before showering i was .8 less. That's a good sign.

School concert tomorrow night and then dance. I'm so nervous I'll embaress myself. I tend to do that alot.

I'll tell you my weight tomorrow morning...If i don't then, i know i won't untill Sat. which it WILL be less. So basically i know i will.

This eating less is amazing. I feel lighter, altho i'm really not. My stomach is back down. I'm almost liking it. Almost.

All I Can Breathe Is Your Air.

Haha, wanna know something SUPER sad? I thought i should run a bit today...just got done...did 2 1/2 laps before quitting. This is why I'm a chub.

My intake:
cough drops (0)

OMGOSH!!!! I JUST LOOKED UP COUGH DROPS AND THEY'RE 15 CAL. PER ONE! I had like 5 today! That's like...75 cal.! Oh, my gosh. I'm really mad now.

Ugh, I might as well finish my intake. I had chicken fried steak (200ish) and two diet cokes (0).

And, I'll have one popsicle, because I'm hungry. So, I'll be at around 300, which was my goal, but I'm still mad. Remind me not to be so stupid. Ugh. I'm like really mad right now. Like, I can't even explain it. That's like how much i burned. Not worth it, at all.

I Was Born To Tell You I Love You.

Weight: ?

I haven't weighed in for awhile, just couldn't. I will on Fri. tho. I hope I'm at like 130ish, I'm goona push myself.

Today I've done amazing, I'm at about 100-130ish. But I know I burned it in the stupid freezing practice. I love rain, but not when it's cold too.

We have a dance on Fri, that's why I'm trying so hard. D.S. is my date :) Haha, C (a friend of his and mine) is goona text my cousin A and say she needs dance lessons from me. Haha, i suck at dancing, but it'll be funny, kinda mean, but hey, she says she doesn't care, so we'll see.

I ate SOOOO much over Easter...and even before that. My pants are digustingly tight...even the loose ones. My mom made BQ's, but i think I'll throw mine out and eat a granola bar or something later. I'd really like to be at about 200 cals today, and then tomorrow at like 300, and then as little as possible one Thurs. (we have a track meet that BETTER not get cancelled)

I wanna thank you for your amazing comments. Honestly, it's incredible how much i care about some of you. You guys' thoughts are so similar to mine, it's almost scary. Good scary tho. :)

Super Duper Nothing.

Got my hair highlighted for the first time. It was pretty funny. My mom was going through the bathroom and saw this old kit from literally 8 years ago. I've been wanting to for awhile now, so we tried it.

It's very suttle. No one will notice except me and my mom probably. I'm ok with that. I hate streaks on people. It looks tacky.

Oh, P.S. I have really long blonde hair.

No school today. Snow...again.

Not counting, but still watchin' it.

I'm leaving Sun. at 7:45A.M. for state FCCLA. I might post before that. I don't know.

I have reasons for not posting. I don't really wanna think about them right now tho. I'll tell ya when i can.

My First Time.

I'm alive.
I know i haven't posted in a few day, i'm sure it'll be a few more before a real ones comes.
I have so much on my plate (unintentional) and i'm very overwelmed.
Please don't write any inspiring quotes about how I'll get over it and we "all have those days".
Sorry, I'm not goona listen.
I need to rest.
I need to think.
I need to freakin' live.
I want to try.

Up.

I'm up.
My stomach hurts.
My body's sore.
I didn't work out. Family wouldn't drive me.
I'm tired.
I'll eat alot in front of everyone tonight.
I'll be super fat by tomorrow.
I'll watch it then.

Today Is NOT The Happiest Day Of Her Life.

Minibinge.
I'll be up a few tomorrow.
Whatever.

I Know My Heart, And It Won't Ever Change.

Intake: ALOT.
Ok, I think under 1000, but still.
Weight: 131.4 [-3.6]
How the crap do i lose 3.6 pounds in one day?
I don't get it.
I'm happy, but still.
...
Tomorrow I'll have a gain, I'm sure.
Why? I ate a ton. Lunch and breakfast together were def. under 500, but dinner was probably like 400ish...so i'm probably 900ish. We went to this buffet...and i tend to eat alot at them ):
Oh, and tomorrow we're going to another one for my late bday party. D,S,and A are invited.

A and I were just texting, and we're goona stay in shape in the summer. I was already going to try, but now i have a running buddy. We're goona just run for like a certain amount of min every day or whatever. We're not sure yet how long. We're goona wait untill track is almost over to figure that out. I have more i could say on track, but i don't feel like typing. Maybe tonight? Doubt it. Oh, and I hope to run in the mornings too. I wanna run the long loop (3.5 mile) kinda earlish, and then do whatever all day, and then run at night with her. She doesn't wanna run in the mornings. I understand.
...
I'm goona work out tomorrow before we go. I think I'll wake up at 9, go at 9:30, be done by 11:30. I'm going for 600 burned, because I know I'll need it for dinner tomorrow. I think I'll skip lunch...just to be safe...and eat like 100ish for lunch. I don't know.
...
My face is burned from yesterday ):
Sorry this post is random and long. I'm tired...like alwayz.

I'll Stand By You.

Got a sun burn at track, funny because we all thought it was goona get rained out.
Got 4th in hurdles and long jump, altho long jump was pretty bad.
Got 2nd in the medly.
Ok with today, i guess.

Intake:
1 granola bar (90)
1 jello (10)
1 banana (110)
1/2 serving small potato oles (150ish)
1 oreo (50)

Total: 410

Yes, the oreo was terrible, but i REALLY wanted chocolate. And the oles i had to have because we went to taco johns after the meet and i had to order something. I couldn't think of anything with less calories/no meat. BUT I managed to give half away :)
I felt terrible this morning (on the way to the meet) and just wanted to die. Ok, exageration, maybe... BUT i found out i got my period when i got there...(good thing I'm always prepared)...and that was probably why.
I'm also really hoping that's why i still weigh so much...and look so bloated.

FFUUDDGGEE.

I was sooo mad last night. After coming home from CCD i decided to weigh myself. I knew I'd be alot...but i figure at the MOST 136. It was 138.4. The highest i have ever been.

I wanted to freak out but i didn't.

This morning it was 135. Down some...but still pathedically pathedic.

Why am I so fat?

Cause i eat so much.

I'm going to stop that today (eating so much)

And I'm going to run fast and jump far.

And just pray the meet doesn't get cancelled.

My Heart Was Pure.

So much to write, but i don't wanna write it all. Sorry.
...
But, for now, I'll fill ya in on a few things.
...
IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY YESTERDAY! Ha, i turned 14. I'm older, haha. I like it :)

Um, since i was turning 14 i figure i could eat whatever on Mon. and Tues. and so practice yesterday= super bloated tummy that stuck out like a sore thumb. Yeah, i talk older now too. Haha, just kidding.

I'm not sure about what I'm at now...under 500 I'm sure tho. I'm just goona have a salad and maybe a jello, I'll stay under 100 tho, because i have a MEET TOMORROW! Man, I'm excited. DS is goona be there, so I'm probably goona try to impress him and mess up. Oh well, I'm still super excited.

My goal tomorrow is to bring like 5 jellos..and i few other things...but everything has to be super low cal, because i eat alot at track meets. I don't understand that tho. You'd think I'd barely eat, but i eat EVERYTHING i bring. Remind me to only bring like 100 cal of food, haha.

I'll probably post again tonight, just cause i haven't in a couple days. Sorry about that. Haha, i honestly didn't have time. I never really do, anymore.

BBIINNGGEE.

Ha. I just laughed. Yes, the title is correct.

After that last post like 15 min ago, I binged.

I'm so stupid, that I'm smart. I went for the healthy/ish foods.

2 string cheeses.
1 serving tuna.
1 granola bar with peanut butter.
1 hard boiled egg.

Pathedic i ate so much. Funny it won't kill me. Ha.

All In.

I think i drank like 7 of the 16.9 fl of water, not my goal, but kind of close.

Worked out 400 cal, again not goal.

Ate...alot. No meals tho, just tons of cookies...all day.

Conquered myself tho. I mean, I wanted to binge, thinking about the day, but i didn't. I didn't allow to eat cereal (my worst binge food) so i AM proud of that.

Thank you so much Thin Is Everything. You're last comment, about wanting to cry about hearing about what my mom said, made me think of things differently. You're right. I guess i always thought that i needed to be mad to do good, but i don't. I just need to do it. I don't know. Thanks tho.

Water.

I'm goona drink 10x16.9 fl of it.

Last post got deleted. UGH, it was LONG.

Goal: burn 500 cal. no food but the three cookies I've already had. Mushrooms if desperate. Cake at like 9 for uncles b-day.

Gain 2 pounds. Hoping to make a slight loss. Come monday, i'll have 300 cal. a day. Cause i need it. Badly.

Hands On Me.

Mom was rubbing my back. Made one to many back fat jokes. Tomorrow will be a good day, i'll make it one.

I'm A Creep.

Fishsticks and Tatertots. Why oh why were you served at lunch? Ok, i could i have lived with eating a ton of you, whatever. Stupid delicious smores pie thing. Why did we get to eat you? Ugh. I don't know what my intake was. Like i said, a ton of fishsticks and tatertots. I ate some because i figured i rarely eat the meal (always meat) and so i should eat some. It was yummy, but way to much. Then, afterwards another class gave us this absolutely amazing smore thing that just blew my mind. I have a gigantic sweet tooth, and these were just fantatic. Honestly top 5 things every eaten, and i've eaten alot of food.

I'm sure I gained, so I'll have 5x16.9 fl of water before bed, and i just drank a diet coke. I hope I don't gain more than a few ounces. I'll check before I shower later and then tell ya. It's usually atleast a pound down from that.

And I decided against ABC diet. I feel like i can just set my own goals? Thank you to everyone, and yes, there were like 5 or 6 people who continue to comment. You make my day :)

Yes!

Weight: 130.4 [-1.8]

Yes! :) 500 for today tho, my tummy feels messed up?

Wind And Mercy.

Intake:
1 Granola bar (90)
Little More Than A Cup Of Lettuce (10)
2 Saltine Crackers (24)
1 Tablespoon Peanutbutter (90)
1/3 Serving tuna (33)
1 peice whole wheat bread (70)

Total: 317

Under my limit, which is good. I'm debating whether or not to start the ABC died tomorrow. Should I? I'm not sure. Oh, and before I took a shower and weighed myself. After two 16.9 fl. of water, i was 131.8, which made me jump for joy. Ha.

I'll just say thanks to the ones that have been commenting alot. It really means so much to me, and I apoligize for not always doing the same. But, don't get me wrong, i do read your blogs, everytime i post, actually :)

Well I'm happy with today, but again, should i start the ABC? Tomorrow would be a good day...but I'm not sure. I'd really like to just continue what I'm doing.

Oh, and the peanut butter wasn't quite as dumb as it seemed. I mean, i eat carrots (-calories) every day, and my friends were commenting about not eating anything but carrots and salad, so i grabbed a little cuplet thing of peanut butter. I think that I'll do that for now on, because it made me eat more carrots (get fuller) while shuting them up...haha, it was really yummy. I kind of love peanut butter. :)

Morning.

Hey! Guess who weighed in at 132.2 this morning? This girl! Not very good, but for just one day of retrictiveness...I'm happy. Hope you all have good weigh ins this morning! :)
I'm giving myself a granola bar (90) for a breakfast. :)

It's Not Just A Story...It's Real Life.

Ok...let me just add this up real quick.

Intake:
1 salsa salad [lettuce(10) salsa (10)] (20)
1 small apple (77)

Total:97.

134+97= 231.

Wooohooo! Haha, i was worried after that apple...again. What can I say, I was hungry! Haha, I'm ok now...i think tomorrow I'll give myself 400, because i have track. Today was great because other than my eating habits, i drank sooo much water. I usually only drink a cup or two...but i drank like 9. It's fantastic for me. I wish every day could be like today.

Here She Starts Today.

Ello. I'm worried i might have mess up today. I had an apple. No laughing, but i might have ruined it. Let's see.

Intake:
1 suck (20?)
1 cup lettuce (7)
1/4 orange (30?)
1 diet coke (0)
1 small apple (77)

Total: 134.

Ok, haha, i guess i didn't mess it up. I'm actually really happy right now :). AND my mom just asked me that since she's putting chicken patties in, and would I like for her to put fish sticks in for me? I told her that i would just have a salad. And she didn't like give me a talk about what to eat and stuff. Haha, this is a first. :)

I'm just going to have a salsa salad (just lettuce and salsa) because at the very most i'd get to 50 cal. and that would only be if i eat a ton. Maybe i can even have jello (10) later?

I like these options :)

I Know How You Hate To Hear Me Pound.

Ok. I have a lot to write. Please, bear with me.
I stayed at A's house cause my family was gone for state wrestling (AAU) andi had the track meet and couldn't go. I got 7th in long jump (which is amazing, but sadly only the top 6 get medals ): )

DS and i had some pretty intense convos. I even admited about wanting to be perfect. I told him how i knew it was impossible, but i just want it soo much. He told me that he could see me becoming close. I laughed and told him yeah right, but that made me feel nice :)

Food: Ugh. My cousin has a ton of amazing food...and i ate a lot of it. A LOT. Ok, then i decided to eat healthy, and my body feels fat. I haven't weighed in for a few days...and i won't. I won't untill i can control myself, which will start tomorrow. Speaking of that...

I have this plan, i know, but hear me out. If i go over 299 cal. tomorrow, i will start the ABC diet. I have never done something like that, but i will. Why? I'm not sure. Ha. I was reading OliviaLee's Group Liquid post, and something clicked. I have to do this, i'm soo sick of looking the way i do. And I can do it. I know I can. I just need motivation. And I'm going to get some...somehow?

I don't know, but i gotta figure that out. Picture day is tomorrow (Track) and this is the LAST year I'm looking like a chub. I promise you that.

How He Loves Us.

Hey! Just wanna thank the new followers! 3 since i was last on. Long story. I'll write in like a hour or two or something. I'm sooooo tired, it's pathedic. I just thought I'd write to let ya'll know I'm alive. Sorry for not posting. I'm goona go eat and then maybe nap. I'll explain everything later.

Nothing Seems To Be, Nothing Tastes As Sweet, As What I Can't Have.

OMGOSH! I was giving the Versatile Blogger Award by PollyAnna! Thanks you SOOOOOOOOOOOO much! If anyone hasn't read her blog...READ IT! Haha, it's amazing. Seriously. :)
Ok, 7 things about me:
1. I'm an obsessor. What i mean by that is i find something, lets say...jello (haha) and i eat it basically nonstop for a week. Then I'm done with it. Occationally i'll have one, but not every day. I do this most often (every week) with a song. Right now it's Beautiful Collition by David Crowder Band (B version). I've had it on repeat for almost an hour, and I'll continue to untill i can't stand it (most likely a week or two) then I'll wait another week and then listen to it from time to time. Yeah, pretty interesting :)
2. I'm the girl that is always smiling. I also always have a little side comment. I'm the one that is "bubbly" and "always laughing and jumping" yeah, WTC? Jumping? I like to jump :)
3. I'm way into sports. Why? I'm a natural. No, I'm not being cocky, but i really am. I don't have to try to spike the ball, i just can. I don't have to try to do the jump shot, my body just jumps. I don't have to try to sprint, i just do. This may seem great, but it really isn't. People expect everything to come naturally to me...like school.
4. I want to learn about people. Weird? Probably. I really like the thought of konwing what someone else is thinking, why their thinking it, if they'll act on it. I want to know how other people feel. I want to know what other people dream. I think I'll have something to do with phycology when I'm older.
5. I HATE the color purple. Why? I have no idea. Really. I was obsessed with it when i was little (back to the obsessing) and now i just can't stand it. I hate the color, but i also hate the word. Purple. Ugh, it make's me feel slimy.
6. I wasn't always weird about my weight. I actually used to like how i looked. Then one summer S and I became friends. I was short, I gained almost 15 pounds, and i got chubby. I got really messed up. I was honestly suisidal at the age of 9. I don't think i really understood it tho. I made myself wait untill after my brother's wedding, and by that time (11?) I didn't want to. I still didn't like myself, but i was happier. Healthier. And I'm not suisidal any more. I barely even remember that time. Thank God :)
7. I'm confused. I don't know so many things, and i hate it. I don't know who i am am or who I'll be, and i just can't stand it. I know many people are, but that isn't very reasurring. I wish i knew who I really was.

Ok, now (finally!) 10 (haha) people to nominate:
1...::Silhouette Dreams::..
2.mandagin
3.Erin.
4.believexx
5.Ellen
6.sofia
7.Jen
8.justwant2bfree
9.Jess
10.Seraphina Rose

Yes, I know many of you have already recived this award, but i'm too lazy to try to figure out exactly which ones. Either way, I love your blogs.

Ok, now I am extremely tired...haha. I'll post tonight. Maybe?

We Won't Stop.

Hi. I couldn't get on the computer untill yesterday, and i was too busy catching up on your guys' posts to write my own. Ha.
Things are going great. Ok, first weight wise. This morning i was 130.4. That's not great, i know, but I'm happy about it. Why? I haven't been counting calories. I know. Ok, i'm still cutting back, but just not counting. Like...i'm eating the same (or about?) but I'm not obsessing as much. I'm really loving it.
School wise: I'm doing better. Every night (for the past two, haha) I've been spending an hour on it. My papers are getting better too, and i just feel alot better about that.
Love life(ha): not sure. It's ok tho, DS is just as confused as i am.
I'm having a short post right now...because i'm not sure what to say. I feel like everything is slowly falling into place. Crap, i bet i just jinzed it (however you spell it).

Just Another Day.

Blah. Nothing interesting to say.
I rearranged my room today...it looks nice.
Thanks for the comments on my last post, that's the only reason I'm even writing one right now.
DS and I have been talking all Spring Break...everyday. That's good.
A is coming back tomorrow night. She'll be at school on Monday.
Food is not my friend. But i keep eating it. Why is that?

I Wear My Sunglasses At Night.

Sorry I haven't posted. Got caught the other day...literally about an hour after writing about how i can still be on. Ha. The Irony.
Eating Wise: Terrible.
Luckly i found some of my mom's old Slim Fast bars. I'm super happy, i found like 20, seriously.
But, go figure, my mom bought the wrong bread. Instead of buying more 40 cal., she bought like 80 cal. I can't eat that for breakfast. I'll ask her about it, but lately she's been asking me what I've been eating all the time. It's really pissing me off. I have to lie and say i ate a sandwich all the time, when i've only eaten 1 in like the past 2 months. Yeah. I don't like lieing. I feel bad. She should stop asking.

I'm not sure when I'll post again. I'm goona stop eating like a faty. My tummy's coming back. I hate it. It will be gone in a few days. It will be gone when school starts again (Mon.)

Maybe It's Just Me.

Ok, my family is all out, and i figured i can get on if they don't know. Haha, little not-so-innocent me :)

Intake:
2 peices of toast(80)
Some jam (20ish)
1 cup skim milk (90)
Mushrooms (30)
1 diet coke (0)
Total: 220.

I missed breakfast because i overslept untill like 12:30, so that's why i'm writing my intate differently. I kind of like it like this :).
I feel like i binged, but i totally didn't. And my body's super sore from yesterday. I think I'm going to go on a jog/walk. I'm goona do the long loop (3-3.5 miles) I'm not exactly sure. I defiently would, but i have no iPod or MP3 (taken away) because of my grades. Ugh. I have so much to improve on my life its frusterating me. I honestly wasn't going to go out to jog/walk, but i'm going to now. Why? I just read on this blog (forgot name) that this girl did 5 mil. yesterday. I can do 3ish then today. Haha, i'm soo competative, thank God! :)

Stupidness.

Yeah, title says it all. Long story short, i got two bad grades, I'm kicked off the computer, among other things, for a week. I'll probably still post once or twice, but no promises. I'm kind of mad, but i know i decerve it. I'll write as soon as i can.

All Or Nothin'

Intake? Not sure. I'm doing pretty good, I know that, I'm just not sure exactly, and i'm too lazy to count.

Boys are so....confusing? Haha, ok well L was defiently flirting today...but then he just stopped and didn't talk to me. And then DS and i weren't really talking that much today...and like 5 min ago we were messaging on Facebook and he kept saying how he thinks he likes me and wants to go for me if i want it. But he said to make sure I'm conforatable. He agreed to remain friends for awhile. Honestly? I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm just hoping we'll remain close throught track season and still talk in the summer (I won't see him very much) and maybe have something next year? I don't know.

Short post. I'll update later.

He Might Just Fall In Love With Her.

Sorry I've been gone. I had some major binge days, but I'm ok with it. I stopped, but still. I like that days when i can eat and not freak out. I feel normal. :)

Breakfast:
1 oatmeal (130)
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
2 cups lettuce (14)
1 serving Mandarin Oranges (60ish)

Dinner:
1 peice cheese pizza (230)

Total: 434.

Weight: 132.7

Plus i had track...which kind of sucked. Before i left for the pep band thing i was 130.9. I really wanna get back to that. And i think i will by tomorrow. I hope I will.
Relationships wise? I don't know. Remember when i went on and on about L? I'm confused by him. He hasn't talked to me 1-on-1 since then.
Plus DS might go for me. Let me explain. I had this major thing for this guy two years ago. I mean, MAJOR. Well i told A about him and she went on and on about how i'm too good for him. She went for him like 6 months later, and they had a thing for 3 months, and then dated for another 4 or 5. Well, she was really horrible to him, and we've always kind of been friends. Not close friends, but friends. We've been emailing on Facebook a bunch of times every day for like a week, and he said he kind of likes me. He just doesn't know how'd it work because of A. It's all super complicated. But honestly? DS makes me feel different. Don't get me wrong, i still have a thing for L, but DS...i don't know. I guess he just...UUUUUUUGH...I don't know how to explain it.

I'll inform you when anything changes. I'm really tired and have a ton of homework to do. I'll write tomorrow

Please Come Back Home.

Dinner:
1 peice of pizza (200?)

Snack:
1 diet coke (0)
1 oatmeal (130)

Total: 330.

210+330= 540.

I know pizza is usually more than that, but since i didn't eat the topping (meat) i think it should be around here. No promises. And I'm not even hungry but I'm eating the oatmeal. I love having the choice. :)

I'm Goona Try Harder.

Track practice: Ha! Let's just say we barely did anything AND guess what? I kept up with the stud. Actually J (stud) and I were talking the whole time. It was actually almost fun. Haha, i like that i can relate to her while she's a junior and I'm just a little 8th grader. (Haha, little...right.)

Breakfast:
1 oatmeal (130)
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
1 1/3 cup lettuce (10)
1 small apple (70)

Snack:
1 diet coke (0)

Total:210

So far so good, i guess. I knew i shouldn't have had that oatmeal, but i read online that people that don't eat enough breakfast usually snack all day and weigh the most. I don't know what I'll eat tomorrow. Maybe the same, maybe not.

Weight: 134.6 [-.5]

I know, i still weigh a ton. I think It's because how much I'm eating. I've averaging around 600 cal. a day, when i used to average about 300. Sadly, i kind of like the 600 because then i don't feel hungry...like at all. I don't know, I have no idea what i want right now.

I'm not sure what I'm having for dinner. I really like how i gave up meat for lent. The reason why is because it's so darn easy not eating as much. Plus i had to finish my math test and so left early. I think i did ok. I hope i did ok. :)

OMGOSH! I ALMOST forgot to tell you! Ok, so one of the reasons i was so upset last week or whenever was because i found out L and S liked each other! Well...it seemed like they did, i don't know now. But guess what? L SAT DOWN NEXT TO ME AND STARTING TALKING! Ok, for most guys this isn't a big deal...but L's different. He doesn't sit down and talk to people unless he really wants to. Yeah. Oh and we've been making a lot of eye contact. He has this dark dark hair, almost black, and these perfectly brown eyes, again, really dark. He's taller and really muscular, and extremely funny. Bonus: my family and his family used to be good friends (not sure why they aren't anymore?) He's gorgous, and he's sooooooo not a player. *sigh* :)

She'll Paint A Secret.

Dinner:
2 fish sticks (120)
1 peice of whole wheat bread (80)
Total: 200

200+440= 640

Stupid fish sticks! Haha, oh well. I can live with two of them. I was fearing that I'd have to eat like 7 or something like that...but we didn't eat together...and so i just went downstairs and ate. Yes, i could have thrown out the fish sticks, and i did think of that. But, i can live with that. I mean, fish? I know it's processed and has a bunch of junk added to it, but i'll need it...tomorrow. Haha, bull, i know. But I'm not too worried about that. I'm goona have a jello before bed (tho i want an oatmeal really bad). I would have the oatmeal but remember how i had one last night? Well my dad was like, "Why are you eating that? You ate dinner!" News flash, oatmeal helps burn fat. Just sayin'. Oh, and it's yummy. And it's flippin' oatmeal, not a chocolate bar. Whatever.

I'm super nervous about tomorrow. Man, it's going to be hard. Just realized that i'll only have tomorrow this week of Track because on Fri. pep band is skippin' school and going to perform somewhere. Yay. Haha, i am soooo sick of school. Oh right, math test tomorrow. I've been doing better. Turns out: I had a wrong formula. Not that that made me get everything wrong, but it sure didn't help.

I'll Take The Sunlight With Me.

You girls are SOOOOOOOOOO nice! Haha, you know who you are! :) And I think I'd have to buy a box...but I'm seriously considering that :)

Ok...so A is leaving for the Spanish trip (a ton of people taking spanish get to go to Spain for 11 days...hopefully me next year!) so i decided to eat in front of her. But, somehow the disgusting looking food was actually... good? To bad i realized how high in calorie it was...oops.

Breakfast:
1 granola bar (90)
1 cup coffee (0)

Snack:
Candies(50?)

Lunch:
Weird squared pizza thing (300?)

Snack:
1 diet coke

Total: 440.

Again, oops. Haha, i was honestly going to eat only 1/2 of it...but then everyone had two whole ones...and A had 3! Yes, 3! But, she gave up eating in-between meals for lent (even though she isn't Catholic...) and so she was hungry. Haha...

And the candies? Well i was out of gum...and i have to chew on something, hehe, and so i just chewed on these candies. They were good, but made me really hungry, hence the pizza. I know, no more candies.

I'm in a good mood. Again, not a great total, but whatever. I find it even weirder considering i weighed 135.1 this morning. Which is totally unacceptable, i know. I'm just goona slowly go back to the 300 cal...but i'm not sure when. Track, remember? (Haha, PolyAnna:) Turns out i'm just goona be running with this stud girl and boy for the rest of this week...and some of next. (It's ok, no one expects me to keep up with them, haha).

I have more to say (don't I always?) but i'm goona find something interesting to do (yeah right, I'll probably just mess around) untill dinner. Which is...60 per one. Ouch. Maybe i'll have a peice of bread with it. I dout i can get out of eating them. Ugh.

Don't Give Up On Me, Baby.

Dinner:
1/2 BBQ sandwich (75)
1 corn on the cob (100)

Snack:
1 oatmeal (130)

Total: 305

305+270= 575

Not very good, i know, but i needed the oatmeal. I felt like binging. I can't do that.

I decided i will go to the indoor track meet soon, which means practice. I'll offically have 4 days of really hard work (300-400 cals burned) I'm already nervious. I think that's what triggered the almost binge.

My brother's sellin' these chocolate peanut butter bear things out of a catologe for school. I really wanna buy a box of them, but i know I won't eat them untill i feel like binging. Then I will. Then I'll purge, because i'm mad at myself. I know how, but I'm already scared. Maybe this will be the motivation to not binge. Who knows?

Oops!

Crap! Haha, wrong person! You knew what i meant! Haha :) Thanks YOU PollyAnna! Sorry! :) Oh, and Thanks Olivia Lee too :)

This Time, Right Now.

Ok, I'm back. I'm sorry about my little freak out. I couldn't write. The past couple of days have binge after painful binge. I don't even wanna guess my weight. Yes, it was that bad.

I decided that for now on, i will purge after binging. Why would i wanna do something terrible like that? Because i have a mini-phobia of puking. I think it's the whole crying and hating yourself, but i already feel terrible after i binge, and i can't keep all of it in me. I'll try it, but hopefully won't need it for a while.

Breakfast:
1 cookie (75)
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
2/3 cup lettuce (5)
1/4 chicken patty with bun (150?)
1 serving green beans (40)

Total: 270

Not too bad. I wouldn't have had the patty, but i'm giving up meat for lent, and i thought that i should eat it. Oh, and my cousin A ate the rest. Haha. Sorry, i find that funny. She's been pretty mean to me lately, so i think that i can be kind of mean on my own blog, just sayin'.

Another thing: Track. Yeah, it's here...maybe. You see, everyone else isn't starting untill Spring Break, but my coach is hoping I'll start practicing with like 4 kids that are going to this inside meet soon. She wants me to long jump and do a sprint. I placed in Regionals last year (7th grade) and I broke the long jump record again last year, so I know i could do it, but I'm just thinking of the running. Yes, I know, pathedic, but I'd be running with these 3 girls that are studs, and this one studly boy. Intimidating. Plus my coach pushes you REALLY hard. Like untill you wanna cry. I kinda wanted to wait before i had to go through that again. But it would be good for me. I need to tell her tomorrow. I'm leaning more on doing it, but I'm not sure. Any thoughts?
_______________________________________________________________
OliviaLee: I don't know when i would have came back if it weren't for you. I mean it. I'm still not feeling any better (about myself) but thanks for letting me know you understood.

I Can't Take Glory In Something I Can't Be.

Breakfast:
1 cupcake (200?)

Lunch:
1 1/3 lettuce (12)
2 tbs. cottage cheese (140)
1 tbs. fat free yogurt (30?)

Snack:
1 jello (10)

Total: 392.

Output: 230ish

I'm still ashamed. I can't talk. I'm sorry.

Screaming For Confidence, Bleeding For More.

I don't even wanna talk right now.

One little annoying thing, and i ruin my day.

I'm pathedic. I could have stopped, i should have.

I don't know what to do.

All I Really Need Is To Breathe.

Long, long weekend. Ha, it's only Sat. night.

Yesterday we practiced our instruments for 6 hrs. 360 min. To, flipin', long. And today? Another 3. 180 min.

Good thing? I weighed 128.8 pounds yesterday morning. Wow, right? Haha, i jumped up in down for like 10 seconds.

Bad thing? Since then I've eated thousands of calories, seriously. I'm goona go stuff my face with cereal before bed too. Why? Yesterday we got there early to set up, and i was so tired. Like it took way more effort than it should have to lift some easy things. I felt dizzy. I can't do that. I'm an athlete. Track's starting in like 2 weeks and we run...alot. Ugh. But i think eating normal (haha, for a 13 year old girl) when I'm with other people (other than family, they'll let me eat salads without making to many comments) out of town is fine.

Plan? Haha, of course I have one. :) Tomorrow I'm going to barely eat (make up for some of yesterday and today) and then I'll continue to barely eat untill i'm 125. Then, I'll eat about 500 cal. a day. I'll try to maintain, but I'm not sure If I'll continnue to lose or not. I don't want to (wow, right!?!) get any lower than that for awhile. I'm so scared that someone's goona notice. Not that it's even that noticable. I can basically only tell on my tummy (smaller) collarbones (stick out more) and hips (same) oh, and my back (less fat) haha, yes, i notice these things.

I'm goona go and eat and then sleep. I have early church tomorrow which i can't get out of. I love God, but i really don't think he cares if i misses a few church services here and there, atleast when I'm exhausted. *yawn*
___________________________________________________________________________
Olivia Lee: Yeah, i absolutely love them. The salsa makes up for the lettuce. Haha, you kind of forget you're eating a salad. And I'm recomend getting spicey salsa, speeds up metabolism (i bet you already know) and it makes me crave water. Then, after i sip on that, I'm suddenly full. It's wonderful :) Oh, and thanks! I like your blog too :)

I Wish I Had Never Had To Say That.

Ok, my total will probably be pretty high and my workout was around 150ish i think. Why? I'm scared I'm losing too fast. I know, crazy, right? I'm just scared as soon as i start eating remotely normal I'll balloon up. I can't do that.

Breakfast:
1 medium banana (110)
1 coffee (0)

Lunch:
1/2 banana (55)
3/4 cup lettuce (5)
1 serving canned peaches (50)

Snack:
2 lollies (50ish)
1 can and 1 bottle diet coke (0)

Dinner:
Salad (35) [consiting of lettuce and a lot of salsa]

Total: 305

I'm confused. How did i get that low of a number? I honestly didn't try. Ok, i didn't have a snack before the diet coke, which i really wanted, but still. I'm kind of amazed. How come this is so easy? It used to be so hard.

Weight: 130.4 [-1.2]

I know, i FINALLY got to 130! Haha, SUPER HAPPY! And I'm pretty sure I'l BE IN THE 120'S BY TOMORROW!!! I'm SOOOOOOO excited!

One thought tho: should i care no one's noticed yet?

Oh, and leaving for band tomorrow. I'll write Sat. night most likely. I'm kind of really nervous. What if i mess up? And what about the food? Tomorrow morning i don't know if I'll eat breakfast or not. I'll have a ton of coffee (3-4cups) atleast, because we're stopping at a gas station (Yikes!) and getting food. I think I'll avoid it and say i already ate. I'll try. I'm sure I'll eat plenty later tho. Or maybe I'll eat the last jello? My mom should buy more by the time i return. I have this sinking feeling that when i come back I'll be 3 pounds heavier. Ouch, right?

Tell Me What To Do.

I need to hurry.

Dinner:
1 huge serving of chicken fried rice (150ish?)

Snack:
1 rootbeer float (130ish)

Total: 280

280+104= 384.

Not as great as it should have been. I wouldn't have had that float if we didn't have this party thing AGAIN and everyone took them. I couldn't not. They'd question me. I'm sick of questions.

Weight: 131.6 [-1.9]

I know, i forgot to post my weight earlier. I honestly forgot. I need to go to bed. I have so much work to catch up on.
I'm goona go to the gym tomorrow. I'm hoping to burn around 400 cals....and i know i can eat under that because the lunch their serving (some weird potatoe thing) i hate. Everyone knows I hate it. No one will question me. Thank God.

It Wasn't Me.

People annoy me, ya know? Ok, you don't, let me explain. So at lunch they had ham and cheese sandwhiches which i didn't wanna eat. I'd eat something else. I kindly offered it to my cousin A and then my kind-of friend M freaked. "Why aren't you eating it? Huh!" And then A started in. "Yeah, you've been giving us your food this whole week. (true) Why? Huh? You don't eat anymore. Going Ana are you? Huh!?!"

I got all defensive and wanted to cry. D tried to stick up for me and was like, "I've seen her eat. She's weird and only eats in patterns." Everyone looked at her and she continued. "Like, she doesn't eat during the day, but then she just eats everything in sight at night."

Part of me was mad, and i was like, "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! I eat ALL of the time! (at the time i was eating carrots) Remember last weekend! Huh!" everyone at my table was staring at me. But, go figure, i continued. "You call eating a big breakfast, lunch, ICE CREAM, dinner, and a ton of junk food at night NOT EATING!"

D said that that wasn't very much and everyone changed the sub. But honestly, i'm still mad. Sorry, D, but we can't all eat hundreds of calories per meal plus 3 snacks a day and still all be 107 pounds. Whatever.

Breakfast:
1 jello (10)
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
1 2/3 cup lettuce (12)
Tiny meat cubes (7ish?)
Glazed carrots (75ish?)

Snack:
1 diet coke (0)

Total: 104.

Good day, so far. I think I'm goona eat some disgustingly fattening dinner with the fam. I don't even know if i can get out of it, I'll try tho.

Sorry for freakin' on ya'll. It just gets really frusterating, ya know? But i am kind of glad D tried to stand up for me. She and i had a convo about it last weekend. I said that it probably was as hurtful when everyone told her that she's too skinny (she DOES eat, she just doesn't gain weight. She's been trying!) as when they tell me I'm ana.

I've told you guys' this before. I'm not anorexic, ok? I'm sick of being called that. I restrict. I watch what i eat. I have to. But I'm not anorexic. I wish people would just not question my eating habits, it's none of their buisness's.

You're So Distracting.

I feel sick. Seriously.

Dinner:
1 serving scrambled eggs(85)
1 serving deer meat (180ish)

Total: 265

265+187= 452

Ugh. I was goona have a good day. I was. And i was only goona have a salad(25). And i would have if my mom hadn't cooked and my dad wasn't sitting right next to me. He thought that i barely ate anything. Ha.

My stomach feels too full, and it feels funny. I hope I didn't completely ruin my results for tomorrow. Crap.

This Night Is Flawless, Don't You Let It Go.

Aww! Does anyone not love the cover of Enchanted by Adam Young!?! Haha, i heard it a couple weeks ago and forgot about it...but then i remembered it today...and it's sooooooooo sweet!

Ok, haha, enough of that. I can already tell that today isn't going to be a nearly as good as yesterday day, but it still should be good. Let's see:

Breakfast:
1 jello(10)
1 cup coffee(0)

Lunch:
1 3/4 cup lettuce (12ish)
2 tbs. salsa (10)
1 serving canned green beans (25ish)
1 serving apple sauce (100)

Snack:
2 diet cokes(0)
3/4 cup cut green beans (30)

Total: 187

Weight: 133.4 (not too bad considered how i ate this weekend)

See? Not as good. But yes, it is still very good for me. And i know i shouldn't have had that apple sauce, and i almost didn't. I ate half of it, and then got two salads with the salsa...and i don't drink milk there anymore (caf.) because of the calories and my mouth was really hot. I needed something, and they didn't have any water. I shouldn't have finished it, i know, but oh well.

I'm feeling alot better today, which is good. The bad thing is that i won't have any excersize today because i was gone at an Orthodontist appointment and got back like an hour ago...and was to lazy to walk to the gym (parents are both at work). I think I'll just have a salad and then a jello later. I'm trying to not eat so much jello (that's why i had green beans for a snack) because my mom didn't buy any more the other day...and I only have like 3 or 4 left...and I really wanna save them for breakfast. I'm going to try to convince my mom to get some more and then i'll take some for this weekend. I'll write later...I'm not very interesting :)
__________________________________________________________________________
PollyAnna: I know, i guess i was just in a kind of funk? Haha, i'm not sure. 212 is a good number, and i should have been happier. Thanks tho! Just so you know, your comments kind of make my day :) You make me feel like I'm not alone.

I Wanted Words, But All I Got Was Nothing.

Hey! Ok...let's see how it all went down.

Dinner:
1 1/2 tbs. taco meat(75ish)
1 cup lettuce (7)
2 tbs. salsa (15)

Snack:
1 cup cranberry juice (40)
1 jello (10)

Total: 147

147+65= 212

That's the best I've ever down. Sad fact? I feel like i could have done better. Oh well. I'm ok with 212 calories in a day.

I was rereading a few of my old posts. It's kind of scary to think how my thoughts have changed. I mean, i was always focused on food, but before i thought 800 calorie days were great. Now I'm not even that happy about 212. What happened?

If You Ever Come Back.

Today feels like a good day. I managed to avoid eating a corndog and fries for lunch (300ish)...which is good. Sadly, i don't feel so good. My stomache is bloated and hurts...and i have diarea. Uhh.

Breakfast:
1 jello (10)
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
Canned pears (30ish)
3/4 lettuce (5)
Tiny meat cube things (10?)

Snack:
1 jello (10)

Total: 65.

I'm smiling right now. Haha. I'm pretty darn pround. Oh, and i did exercise. I biked for a little over an hour (350?) and I did this stepping thing for like 10 min (50ish).

I think I'm just going to have a salad and then a frozen jello later one. I am honestly very tired...and i just checked my grade and math and i got it up. THANKFULLY! I now have a C- in it which is still terrible, but atleast i get my iPod back! :)
_______________________________________________________________

PollyAnna: Haha, it sucks, right? Well i didn't actually do it today (stomach) but i'm hoping to soon. And I think I'll write more about my sax. playing later. I'll probably mention it in atleast a few more posts before this weekend.
Sofia: Yes, laughter truely is the best medicine (in my opinion)

Feel Free.

Hey! I'm back :)

Ok, i didn't embarress myself, and only D saw me in a swim suit. Good news

Bad news. I ate...alot. Ok, i didn't eat too badly untill yesterday...just today. I think i'll just say binge days and move on. I'm not counting calories...still. My plan is that tomorrow I'm just going to eat very little. Jello everybody! Haha. Actually for the rest of the week i'm barely goona eat (my terms.) The main reason is because i have this band thing next weekend, and it's kind of a big deal. Not many people get accepted, and i was one that did. I play alto saxophone. I'm pretty pumped :) I got a really pretty red dress and I'm wearing heels and everything (performance day). I just wanna look nice.

Basically that means barely eat and excersize ton. Speaking of working out, stupid everything. Huh. My calorie count was way off. Instead of burning 360 for 10 mil. on the bike, i only burned like 200...maybe. Now i'm goona also jog 400 met. walk 400 met. jog, walk. I think I'll just do a mile (i hate running!) and continue with the bike. I'm going to do that 4 days this week....and with the barely eating, i should be under 130 by the end of it.

My mom was joking with my brother...and somehow said she "tried to stay under 140".
My mom's bigger than me. Not much, but she's like 1 1/2 inches taller, and a size and half. I need to be atleast 10 pounds under her. I feel icky just thinking about that. I have to be smaller than her. I just do.

Imma go and shower and then watch some more Oscars.

Don't Know If I Could Ever Be Without You.

Hey! Ok, i need to hurry and pack for tomorrow (wrestling).

Dinner:
1 1/2 cup iceberg lettuce (10)
2 tbs. salsa (15)

Snack:
1 mixer (with water)
1 jello (10)

Total: 35
TOTALTotal: 336

Good mood :) I needed that. Pray i won't embarress myself infront of L. Oh, and D is coming...this should be fun :)

And my goal is under 1000 a day. I know, that's not really a goal, but it's going to be hard with everyone eating all day...but i will try.

I'll write soon. :)

I'm Still In Love With You.

Intake for today (so far) :

Breakfast:
1 jello cup (10)
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
1/2 cup letuce (3)
1 chicken fried steak (200ish)
1/2 cup green beans (18)
1/2 cup canned peaches (50)

Snack:
1 jello cup (10)
1 mixer [with water] (10)

Total: 301

DANG. Haha, I'm happy. Plus i did end up going to the gym and biked 10 miles (360) and did a bunch of other excersizes...I'm thinking i burned like 400 all together...so right now I would be in the negatives. :)

I'm going to eat a salad for dinner, no matter what. And I think I'll have another jello cup. There the jiggle ones or whatever. I'm dead serious, i love them. When i have them for breakfast, I'm not so hungry. And for snacks they keep me full untill the next meal. I love them.:)

And ok, i kinda freaked out earlier. I found out this guy i kinda have thing for is STAYING with us at state wrestling. Like, he's goona sleep either on the bed or the floor next to me. Yeah. Thing is, he's into skinny girls. Yeah. Not that he would ever like TELL me I'm too big for him, but i feel like i am. But the plus is that he's taller than me...quite a bit so...and i don't know. Haha, that's just a plus.

My friend D might come with us...and she's a stick. Like she's my height (maybe taller) and she's 103. She told me that like a few months ago (randomly). She eats tho. She was always this short stick, and she just grew. She's also kinda pretty...i think I'm prettier...but she def. has the better body (mainly legs) but whatever. I sound horrible. Sorry.

I think I'll post later...not sure. I'm actually in a really great mood. :)

We Could Have Been Everything.

I know i haven't posted in a few days, which is forever for me, but I haven't had much to post. Seriously. My eating sucks. I'm goona change that. I started out great today, but then we had CCD and we ate the whole time. I seriously had 3 cupcakes. AND A TON OF FROSTING! Ugh.

I am FINALLY goona workout tomorrow. I'm thinking 10 miles biking (360) and like 100 calories on the ellipsor...haha i suddenly just like FORGOT what it's called. Oh well. I'm goona burn 500 calories, atleast off tomorrow, and i'm goona try to eat less than that. Reason why? State wrestling is this weekend, and i might be in a swimsuit. Ick. I'm goona try to just go to the sauna. I'm goona look up how much you can loose in one.

I guess you burn about 300-500 in 30mins...which is mainly water. Basically when i drink water afterwards i'll gain it all back. Crap, what if we don't have a sauna? I don't know, i promise I'll try to work out tho. I need it. I'm goona weigh myself Fri morning (no school because of the wrestling) before we go. I need to know how much damage I've done in the past week...

I'm also goona just reply to comments on here...i still don't know how to yet.
___________________________________________________________
PollyAnna: Thanks for the advice. And i ended up not trying the salt thing...i wanted to, but again, my mom was here. And i don't know if i could bring it up with her. She'd probably like freak out...she's crazy. Thanks tho.
Sofia: You honestly made me laugh when you offered to tutor me. Not in a mean way tho. Just in a "dang she's nice" way. Haha. And I guess i WAS just having one of those days. You comment did make me feel better tho. Thanks :)

Tell Me I'm A Wreck.

Ugh. Yeah, today sucked. Actually, it was great, untill the dang cookies were done. I didn't even attempt to count how many I had.

I'm goona start weighin' in every morning, i just feel better knowin' how much i gain after my stupid binges.

I'm getting really frusterated. Apparently my mom doesn't have to work which = no attmept SeaWater flush or whatever. And a doutful fast. I don't even think I'll try to fast. I don't know.

As you can tell, my day wasn't so hot. Apparently i have a D+ in Math. I know, I'm a retard. I can't believe i have that. I'm on the dink list. Basically means I'm stupid. I feel stupid. I feel worthless. I am worthless.

How Do We Carry On?

I couldn't post yesterday because I was gone all day (Bball) and then went and watched wrestling. I weighed in yesterday and was 131. Haha, i was super excited. Remember how badly i ate? Yeah, so do I.

I got a little too excited, and ate a big, big breakfast. I decided to skip lunch to make up for it, and I did. I had 2 lolli pops (50) and be fine. Then, go figure, we ate dinner at a buffet. I ate like a PIG! Then i got home...and binged. Maga big binge.

Breakfast:
2 cups of coffee with no cal. sweetner (0)

Lunch:
1 big serving goolaushe (200ish?)

Snack:
1 chocolate pudding cup (110)

Total: 310.

That's today so far. I could've done without the pudding, but i was craving it. Oh and i gained this morning (i expected it).

Weight: 132.6 [+1.6]

I know, BIG gain. I figure I'll just try to not eat much for the rest of the day. And tomorrow Imma try a liquid fast tomorrow. I've never fastested before, and I'm extremely nervous about it. We have no school tomorrow, so i should be able to do it, or atleast try. And, I'm goona try to do the Saltwater flush thing. I don't have the correct salt, but i'm going to try putting a tablespoon of table salt in a 1 liter and try to chug it. I have no idea how this will work, but my plan is waking up at like 8:15 to do (my mom leaves for work at like 7:45). My main worry is still having to go the bathroom when she gets home for her lunchbreak, that's why I'm goona try it so early.

And another little thing, my mom said she's goona make cookies, i told her not to, but she is. Now I'm worried i'll be super tempted. I know if i eat one, well, it won't stop there. Ugh.

Just One Look And You're Seein' Double.

I'm sorry. I've been puttin' off writing untill i absolutely couldn't anymore. I just don't feel good...physically/emotionally. Physically i'm hungry but still manage to have a horrible stomache ache. Emotionally...i'm just drained. I feel like i'm doing so much for everyone- i just don't have any time to breathe. Even when i do, it's just not enough.

Breakfast:
2 oreos (140)
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
1 breadstick (100ish)
1 serving canned pinaple (60ish)
Tons and tons of carrots (0)

Dinner:
2 diet cokes (0)
4 suckers (100) [25 per 1]
1 popcorn (100)

Yesterday's Total: 500

Breakfast:
2 oreos (140)
1 cup coffee (0)
1 peice of toast with peanut butter (160ish)

Lunch:
1 cup turkey noodle soup (200)
Tons of carrots (0)
1 serving canned pinapple (60ish)

Snack:
1 small pear (80)

Dinner:
1 BBQ sandwich (150ish)

Today's Total: 790

Yeah, i know today was bad, but i am semi proud of myself in one way. The caf. was serving these AMAZING PB&J sanwiches, and i took one. I know, stupid, stupid, stupid. Luckliy, they were packaged. Right when i started to open mine to eat i "glanced" at the nutrition info. Just guess how many calories.

320. For a SANDWICH! A SMALL ONE TOO! I know, good thing i looked, cause then i didn't eat it. The sad, but kinda of funny thing is is that 2 of my friends went up and got SECOND sandwhiches, that's 640 calories...not including the soup which was 200 (I didn't know, but i really did love it) which would be 840 all together. That's more than i ate all day yesterday and today (so far) for just lunch. I wanted to tell them, i really did, but i knew they'd make some comment about me not eating enough (which is crap, lately all i do is eat).

I was proud of that, but now I'm really hungry. Imma go and check what semi low calories foods are upstairs.

Haha, goodness I'm so unintelligent. So, i was looking for food and i'm like BAM! why not some yummy Maple & Brown Sugar Oatmeal. So i made it. Thinking it would fill me up even better if i added more water than i usually do, i added a bit more. 5 sec. before it's supposed to be done i look a it and some of it's overflowing. Smart, right? Haha. Oh well, took off some cals. i bet. Pathedic day, really.

960.

One Cookie.

My total was 234 before dinner and then i had 3 chicken strips and 1 bisquit.

My total for today was 634.

I'm not sure.

I really wanna cookie.

I think I'll have one.

I'll cut 100 off tomorrow, somehow.

I have no will power.

Just one cookie.

734.

I Don't Know What Happened.

Hi. I'm not quite sure what yesterday's total was...but I do know it had to be under 1000, atleast. I know, it was atleast under that. So far today:

Breakfast:
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
1 cup lettuce (7)
1 serving mandarin oranges (77)

Snack:
1 Sunny D (50)
1 cookie (100?)

Total: 234

Ok, i had a ton of carrots also (baby ones) but i found out that they are negative calories. That means that yes, they DO have calories, but it takes MORE calories to burn them. I lose calories for eating them, so i just kinda ignored that i ate them.

Ok, and I'm pretty happy about this. I shouldn't have had the Sunny D or the cookie, but i REALLY wanted one. Pathedic, right? Oh! And i do still chew gum...but i don't count the calories. First, there aren't a ton, second, i need it to live on. I don't know, i just figure it won't be too bad to have a few peices a day.

I'm not sure what I've having for dinner, but I'm hoping to not eat very much. I'm goona try to make up for yesterday and-well- every other day for like the past week. I need to.

I Don't Belong Here.

Dang! Haha, i got on and BAM! TWO new followers! Haha, thanks! I never thought ANYONE would wanna read what's in this little messed up brain of mine.

Ok, done with being happy. Valentine's Day is my least favorite holiday. (Is it a holiday?) I don't know why, i just hate it. I spent the day binging because of how much i hate it...and i don't care. Today isn't goona be great, my stomach's getting back in the swing of things. So far:

Breakfast:
1 cup coffee (0)
1/2 serving creamer (30)
1 cookie (170?)

Lunch:
1 cup lettuce (7)
3/4 serving canned peaches (70ish)
Glazed carrots...LOTS (200ish)

Snack:
1 granola bar (100)

Total: 577

Yeah, i know. Again, my stomach just isn't used to it. Pathedic? I'm still hungry. I figure I'll eat another snack before the bball game and then have popcorn (100) for dinner with 1 or 2 diet cokes. My total should be around 800 for today because i got a mini hershey thing at school and ate it cause everyone else was eating theirs. Again, pathedic.

My Plan: eat atleast 100 less tomorrow (should be easy, i will NOT eat breakfast, only coffee). After that? I have no idea. My mind's in a lot of different places right now, and i just- don't know. I might post tonight, might not. I'll try, but i don't know when I'll get back from my game.

Oh, and i hope you all had a better Valentine's Day then i did.

It's So Beautiful, It Makes You Wanna Cry.

Ugh. I ate sooo much today. Like thousands and thousands, it feel like. Ok, not THAT much, but more than i ate all last week i bet. I'll just work it off this week. I can do it. Sadly, i can't quite remember all of what i ate today, so there won't be a total. Oh wellz. And the story of what ruined my day:

This woman turned towards her husband and whispered something into his ear. He quickly got up and got out of the isle. He reached his hand for his wife and she also got up. She took a step, and then started to fall backwards, the woman in the pew behind got up and caught her before she fell. She passed out, cold. Everyone kept trying to see the lady and some man called 911. The priest quickly walked over and annointed her. I couldn't take my eyes off of the man. He looked so sad. He was about to cry, and so was I. I just kept thinking how this lady (she was elderly, and so was her husband) could easily die (she had cancer, but was in remission) and all i ever did was complain about my weight and how ugly i am and stuff. How horrible of a person am I?

I keep seeing the man's face as they took the woman out on a stretcher. I'm so scared that will be me some day. I'm so scared i won't have someone, anyone, that would cry for me. That wouldn't have that look on their faces.

Who Are You?

Ugh, horrible mood. Sorry. Stupid computer just deleted last post, and it was LONG. It was terrible too. So far calories intake is like 800, and i don't care. Tomorrow I'll go back to 500 for the week and make up for it. Woke up and weighed 131.6 by tomorrow I'll be 132 something, again I don't care. I'll write tonight. Today was just this disgusting day. Ugh. Not just food wise either.

Perfect In Weakness.

Hey! I'm goona probably make this quick. Depends on how bad it is. Let's see.

Breakfast:
Oatmeal (130)

Lunch:
Popcorn (100)
Bar (150?)

Dinner:
Grilled Chicken with bun (250?)

Total: 630

DANG. Haha, very good, indeed. I honestly didn't even really try. I mean, I was goona shoot for super low today, but first my cousin A was hangin' with me at the wrestling tourney and she wanted food, so I'm like, "sure." and i WAS kinda hungry, so i got popcorn. But she wanted a bar and I didn't want her to think anything so i got one too. A few hours later i was REALLY hungry. Like, stomache pains and everything. I could HEAR my stomache. Somehow i managed to wait untill dinner. Which we went out to eat with some other family members. I somehow only ate a grilled chicken with bun and no one really questioned me. My mom made a comment about how i should eat some of her cheese balls, but i said I was full. I hate lying.

And diet coke. Goodness, i need to cut back. On the way to the tourney i had a can (12 fl.) then i got there and had a bottle (20fl.) and then for dinner i had another bottle (20 fl.) dang. And 52 fl. is like 1 liter and 20 fl. which is more than half another liter. My cousin thinks my blood is half diet coke and laughed at me for drinking it all. I made the comment it had no calories...she stopped drinking her Mountain Dew after that :)

Actually, she really frusterates me. The reason why is because she's basically perfect. Ok, no she's not, but she's AMAZING at basketball, i'm serious. She's a freshman and she's high scorer in Varsity. Yeah. And guys like her for some reason? I never got that. She's extremely cocky (she DOES have a reason to be) and she is actually bigger than me. I know, i sound horrible. But she eats ALOT, and is a tightish 7. I'm a pretty loose 7 now. Not much difference, but still. I don't know, she just gets to me. I don't really wanna talk about her right now.

I think Imma have an apple before going to be (100ish) because i feel like one. Haha. I'm not really hungry but i feel like the juice from it. I'm goona start weighing daily again, i like it. I'm curious for tomorrow tho.

So Baby Keep My Heart Beat-Beat-Beating.

Hey! Ok, i DID weigh myself. i am 131. i know, NOT 130. I was kinda mad. So i ate an oatmeal packet (130) that i don't even like. Oh, and i had a cup of coffee, of course. Honestly, i'm mad at myself for not getting any farther, but I'm not giving up. My highest weight was 137, and i am 6 pounds from that, and i AM extremely happy about that. Today I'm just going to be careful of what i eat, and i don't have an amount. And tomorrow I'll...I'm not sure. Haha. I'll figure it out today, how much i should eat. I really wanna be 130.9 atleast by the end of this weekend, but i dout i will be. Weekends are really hard for me.

I'm leaving for wrestling tourney today...I'm kinda worried about eating. I really don't wanna mess up the progress I've already made. I bettter go and get ready.

You're Goona Catch A Cold, From The Ice Inside Your Soul.

Hey. Today i ate a ton, and I knew i shouldn't have eaten so much.I just REALLY didn't wanna get sick at practice. That's my excuse anywayz.

Breakfast:
Strinch cheese (70)
Tiny powdered cookie (50?)

Lunch:
Chicken patty with bun (200)
1 peice white bread (100)
1 tbs. peanut butter (90)
1 serving french fries (170)

Snack:
1 serving V8 (50)

Dinner
1 popcorn (100)
1 diet coke (0)

Snack:
1 small apple (60)

Total: 890

Oh my goodness. Disgusting, right? I guess it COULD have been worse...sorta. I almost had some ice cream instead of the apple. Oh well, we had a hard practice, so i'm sure i burned off alot. Weighin' in tomorrow. I am so nervous. Oh! And the jeans i wore today? Looser, by far. :)

You Don't Know Me. Don't Ignore Me. If You Had Your Way You'd Just Shut Me Out.

Tired. Word of my life. I'm totally exhausted. Practice was bad, I was so pathedic i didn't think i could finish the last ladder. I got super dizzy and had a horrible headache. I need to eat more on practice days. I can't take another one like today.

Breakfast:
1 cup coffee (0)
2 tiny frozen fruit things (50?)

Lunch:
1 medium banana (105)
2 cups lettuce (14)
Tiny cubes of meat (10?)
1 tbs. ranch (70)

Snack:
8 Fl. v8 (50)


Dinner:
1 diet coke (0)
1 popcorn (100)

Total: 399

I know, I was only supposed to have 361 calories today, and i would have had 349 but i felt so dizzy i needed something, which is the v8. I NEEDED the calories. I'll go 600 tomorrow because of practice. I should eat more, i know i should, but i can't. I have to be 130. I just NEED to, ya know? Plus 600 is about 200 more than today. That should really help at practice, i hope.  I don't know.

On a good note, my jeans that i wore last week are really lose. Serisouly. I wore them today, and almost needed a belt. That means that i COULDN'T have gain...right?

Do I End Up, Do I End Up Happy?

Total: 859

Ewww. I had that soup, luckily just one serving, and i was kinda happy gettin' away with just one. (It was incredible, seriously) I went to CCD and then got home. I just had a Sunny D (50). I know i shouldn't have, but i was craving one. My limit was 720 and since i got 859 that means i can have 361 tomorrow. Imma aim for lower. I know, I know, that's horrible, only eating that much, but i have to. I'm so scared i didn't lose anything. And i heard that you metabolism is messed up if you don't confused it by changing you calorie intake daily, like it can go into starvation motion or whatever. I don't know.

Tomorrows breakfast will be coffee and nothing, absolutely nothing. Lunch tomorrow is chili and french bread, good thing i hate chili and tell everyone i don't really like the bread. It "tastes like super fake cheese with too much grease." Haha. Well people believe it when in reality i actually really like it. I'll eat a salad and maybe some carrots? Neg. calories on the carrots so i think i will.

I'm working concessions tomorrow night also, which means it will be REALLY tempting being by all the food. I'll make sure to just have a popcorn and a diet coke. Maybe two diet cokes. I don't know. That is of course after practice, which will totally kill. It's goona be hard, real hard. Good thing my body needs it. Bad.

 I'm so worried for Sat. morning (weigh in) that i'm not sure what to do. What if i didn't lose anything? What if i gained?

Don't Ever Say Goodbye.

Yes, i just posted, but i need to vent. I feel like crying. Not just from my last post, but i have opened cheetos sitting right next to me, and it's KILLING me not to take one. I keep thinking, it's only one. And that's true, the FIRST one is only one. Then I'll want another, and one more. And before i know it I'll finish the bag. I can't do this. I can't not take one and stay by it. I keep staring at it and it's as tho it's laughing at me. I do not care how dumb that sounds, laughing bags. I need one. I'm hungry. I don't care how much i already ate. I need one. Just one. No more. One, or dinner? Huh? How will i get away with not eating the soup? I won't. That's how. I'll get yelled at and made to eat it. I wish i didn't. I wish i could eat those cheetos. I wanna move them sooo bad. I haven't eaten since lunch...my horrible lunch. My disguesting lunch. It wouldn't have been so bad except those dang beans that i didn't even really like. I was just sooo hungry. I found jeans from two years ago. Their actually really cute. To bad they don't fit. Their made to be tight. Their too tight. I wanna fit in them soon. Real soon. Not with eating those cheetos. And my friend's b-day was today. She gave me a chocolate bar. It's in my freezer. What if i ate that for breakfast? Half of it? Could I? Or would i eat it all? All, probably. I need to go. No one does this. I'm crazy. I feel crazy. Am I crazy? No, I'm just hungry. I putting those cheetos upstairs. I am not going to eat them. I just won't.

I'm Only Perfect In Weakness.

Breakfast:
1 hard boiled egg (70)
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
2 cups lettuce (14)
1 Tbs. ranch (75)
1/2 cup baked beans (170)
1/2 cup mixed fruit(80)
1Tbs. peanut butter (90)
1 peice white bread (70)

Snack:
1 diet coke (0)

Total: 569

I feel disgusting. Plus my mom's making cheeseburger chowder soup (240ish) per serving. Ouch. I was sooo hungry during lunch today, and i just don't know why. I should have stopped. I should have. I guess my rule was that if i went over the next day then i'd take how ever many i went over and not eat that much less. Well, since i was under since i started, i can go as high as 720 before i can't eat 500 tomorrow. Ugh, i have a fear i won't be eating very much tomorrow at all. For lunch i will not eat this much...ever again.

And breakfast? Forget it.

Early.

Ugh, too early to be alive. Had to finish this homework thing this morning, that's why I'm awake at 6:26.
Decided I'll have a small hard boiled egg (70) for breakfast and coffee (0). Just thought I'd write that down now.

Did great last night, really did only eat that popcorn. I'll write later (after school). Imma go and try to sleep for a half an hour.

Just Kidding!

Ok, just kidding! My total will be like 427 i just had a serving of cheetos because i'm hungry :)

Totals.

Hey! Sorry I didn't post yesterday, i honestly had no time. I think I'm doing pretty darn good! Haha, let me just total the calories before i get too excited.
Breakfast:
1 cup coffee (0)

Snack:
4 peices gum (20)

Lunch
1 cup lettuce (7)
1/2 cup taco meat (211)
1/2 cup canned peaches (35)

Dinner:
Popcorn (100)
1 diet coke (0)
1 diet pepsi (0)

Total: 353


Breakfast:
1 cup coffee (0)

Snack:
4 peices gum (20)

Lunch:
1 cup lettuce (7)
1/2 cup turkey (120)
3/4 cup carrots (40)

Dinner:
Popcorn (100)
1 diet coke (0)


Total: 267

Yes! Haha, that's incredible for me! I'm soooo happy! Plus I've had basketball everyday, and so i've been sweating alot :) Oh! And the reason why i have popcorn for dinner all the time is because we have games almost every night this week, and popcorn is as low in calories as i can get. I REALLY am craving pizza tho, but i just won't let myself! And i haven't eaten dinner yet, i just will only allow myself that. I can do it.

My fear is that i won't lose any weight. What would happen? I'd freak out, that's what. I'm averaging 300 cal. a day, and i NEED to be 130 by Sat. Yes, i changed it. I was goona weigh myself on Fri. but i figure i might need an extra day, plus i don't think I'll have time in the morning. I've been having alot of troubles sleeping.

And yes, i am finally having plain coffe. I still think it's too bitter, but i'm sucking it up for now. Maybe I'll add creamer next week, maybe not.

I'll write tomorrow after school. I better go and get ready for our scrimage! :)

New Plan.

Ok. So this weekend has been absolutely horrible. But that's ok. Haha, seriously. For now on i am ONLY eating 500 cal. a day. Say i got over 50, that means the next day i get 450. How I'll do it? I'll have PLAIN coffee for breakfast, every morning. (I know, I know, i don't really like it, but 0 cals.? I have to!) And I'll eat like ONLY fruit and vegs. for lunch.

And no, I am NOT anorexic. This post may make it look like i am, but I'm not.

I'm going to weigh myself on Sat. morning. If I'm not down to 130...I don't know what I'll do. But, if i AM, I'll take a REALLY long bath with this confetti stuff in it. I've had it forever, just never knew when to use it.

Oh! And late start today. For the record my time is messed up. It's two hours earlier than it says it is. Haha, just sayin.

Fat Day.

After wrestling my cousins decided to spend the night....which meant WAY to much eating. My stomach actually hurts.

Breakfast:1 cookie (180) [I ate the cookie because i was really happy with myself, and i REALLY wanted that cookie!]1 cup coffee (0)
1/2 serving creamer (30)

Lunch:
1 corn dog (220)

Snack:
1 drink mixer (10)
1 granola bar (90)

Dinner:
Grilled chicken (400) [Holy crap!]

Snack:
Popcorn (150)
cookie(180)

Total= 1260!

Horrible. I feel digusting. Plus no excersize. I'm scared to see how much I've gained tomorrow. I'm a big, ugly, fat, failure.

Bummed.

Super bummed. Got to the bus, found out the games are cancelled. Just swell. Ugh. Now I'm goona go watch my bro wrestle...which would be fun except i really wanted those games. I feel like eating. I'll try not.

Time To Shine.

Weighed myself this morning after getting back. Guess what? I'm 133.9! Haha, i like SKIPPED 134! I'm REALLY happy about that! But, I've already started eating like a pig...haha, period. I tend to eat EVERYTHING when I have mine.

Thurs. Total = about 780.
Not too bad considering i was out of town at a basketball game where all my friends eat a TON.

Yesterday's total= about 520. Heck yeah! Haha. I 'm REALLY happy about that because i even stayed at my friend's house, and i didn't eat. :)

Today...will be a bad eating one.

Breakfast:
1 cookie (180) [I ate the cookie because i was really happy with myself, and i REALLY wanted that cookie!]
1 cup coffee (0)
1/2 serving creamer (30)

Lunch:
1 corn dog (220)

Total: 430

Ouch. I know, horrible. Plus I'm goona probably eat a 100 calorie chewy bar for a snack OR an apple, i'm not sure yet. Dinner will be popcorn because I'll be at a basketball game, and i don't know what is healthier. Plus diet coke, of course. Honest, this won't be TOO bad, because of the games. Yes, i shouldn't eat any snack, but I'll make up for it with running.

Oh! And i think the reason i lost weight was because of the game on Thurs. and then practice yesterday, not that it was hard. If only i could only eat 500 cals. a day, man would i lose weight fast. I would try, but I wanna make sure to have plenty of energy for the games. This is my time to shine. I can't mess these games up.

My goal: No higher than 700 cal. tonight. Wish me luck.

Super Quick.

This one's goona be super short. Yesterday and today's totals will be posted tomorrow. I just showered and am goona go to this music thing. Don't get too excited, it's just the High School Jazz Band, haha, it'll me me next year! (Alto Sax.). And then after that imma stay at my friend S's house. It should be tons of fun...EXCEPT she eats like a horse...not trying to be mean. She's actually my size, but she eats like...ALL the time. It's crazy. I won't let myself.

Game tomorrow. Actually 3. I'll play most of the game on C team (Mainly 8th graders.) and I'll play like 6 min in B team. I have so many little goals that i can't keep track right now.

Weighed myself this morning. Only lost .1 So I was exactly 135 pounds. Tomorrow i WILL be in the 134s. I just have to be.

My mind's in a thousand places...i feel like i can't breathe.

Crap, my bro's friends here.I'll write before I leave tomorrow.