And I Hope That You See Right Through These Walls.

I know, I haven't posted in awhile.

Busy.

Got back, a few hours ago, from state track. Did ok, i think? I don't know my split when i was running, but it felt good, so whatever.

I'm really tired.
Story of my life.

Guys are doushes, most atleast. I still should explain what happened with D.
Will some other day.

I wanna Fuckbuddy. No, not to actually have sex with (still 14) but just to mess around with. Kiss, Makeout, the works. Actually, that's basically it. I want to get my first kiss over with. I could...with this guy A.S...but i'm not attracted to him. He's younger too. He likes me, he told me, but i told him i didn't know. It's definitely a no tho.

I cut for the first time right before my last post. Sorry I didn't tell you. I did again a few other times. When I'm stressed, or crying, i do. Once crying, rest stressed. I really liked it. My friend M. asked me about it by my mom. My mom freaked out and I managed to blame it on the dog, and she said she'd cut his nails. I need a new place now. Maybe hip? No idea. They're all over my left arm. Obvious, right?

I'm so scared. I feel myself slowly changing. Mainly in a bad way. Help.

SCHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOLS OUT! TILL NEXT YEAR!

That was meant as a song, but you get my point. :)
School's obviously out, had last track meet today.
Just kidding, i THOUGHT it would be, but turns out I'm running at state.
The Medly.
I'm running the 200.
Fun.
I really should be excited, it amazing he picked me...but I don't want to. I just wanna watch and scream and cheer. That's fun.
Running isn't.
Practice isn't.
Practice untill state (like 2 weeks)

Food: I'm goona go crazy this summer. Barely anything. I'm even giving up diet coke...i don't want to be bloated. I'm goona exercize like crazy. I'm excited.

Everyday Is A Winding Road.

I have so much to say. I don't want to.

I'm just going to simply say this: Today was amazing.

I felt like an average girl...all day.

I had my moments, should i have that 3rd small slice of pizza because I [sorta accidentally] skipped lunch? Or should i tell my friend to? My friend did.

This group (Team Spuds) made T-shirts all day. We spent hours Tie-dying them and cutting them, and tieing stuff...hours. Then a few of us (friend AH and D) hung out at D's and watched old videos of us three. Man, we were cute. Man, i was loud!

After about an hour, after we had eaten, we went to a dogeball tourney. We won 2/4, which was great! Usually that sucks, but we won against seniors...it was funny :)

I just got home and am very, very tired.

Tomorrow I'll be working on this Anne Frank proj. (Semester test powerpoint) for English, and then cleaning my room, and then organizing papers for other semester tests. It doesn't sound like alot, but after church, imma be tired...i wish we could skip. I know, I sound like a bad Christian, but i really wanna sleep in. I'm already feeling the stress of Semester Tests coming, which are this week, and i feel like I'll need all the sleep I can get. I need to stop thinking.

What's So Wrong?

What's so wrong with me, that no guy ever really wants to be with me?
Why do they say they do, but fall for someone else?
What did i do?
What can i do?
What's so wrong with me!?!

Even Brighter Than The Moon.

Ugh. Sunburn+Too Much Food+Still Hungry+Lieing Around+Tooooooooo Many Spiders= Bad Track Day.
Why i said spiders: i saw fricken 10 SPIDERS! Man, i sure hate them. There's soooooooo many there, i can't even lay down for more than 10 min without seeing one crawling next to me. Needless to say, there was a ton of screaming going on...
PollyAnna: Thanks for the comment! It means alot to me when you do. For some weird reason, I haven't been getting very many from people lately, and i don't know why. Thank tho :) And i don't know. Like...I liked track, when i was really good. Now I'm average, and making myself work to just be average...not something i enjoy. And i hate running. This may be my last year. I'm unsure.

Food wise: I don't think i can do Healthy/ish. Every SINGLE day I've gone over. I'm an all or nothing girl. I really would rather just restrict. It's sooo much easier. Sooo...today is...

Intake:
1 granola bar (90)
1 PB&J Sandwhich (300ish)
2 G2S (90)
1 diet coke (0)
2 Pinapple cup things (160) [2x80]

Total: 640

I'm ok with that. I'm still hungry, but i'll eat before bed. Dang, it's only 3:34 right now. Ugh.
I'm also kinda happy that 90 of those cals. are from liquids. And the sandwhich is a guess. I know the bread is 150, and the peanut butter is probably 90, and the jelly's about 50, so that equalls...290. So the total's really like 630. Then again, i may be a little off. My mom made the sandwhich, and she put alot of stuff on it. That's why everything's so high.

D.S. was texting weird last night. He seemed mad...but i was hoping it was just because he ran badly at the track meet (he's a stud, and he went to this out of town one with like 10 other studs...obviously i didn't go). And A. has been talking more...so i'm thinking D.S and A. talked...and he probably chose her or whatever. She said to chose between us, but he never answered. I'm pretty sad about that, honestly. I really like him, and i know we could be something this summer. And after the dance...it was pretty obvious he liked me. I wanna say it's because i'm fat, but A.  is bigger than me, so i don't think that's it.

P.S.   A. has been watching her weight. It's soooo weird. She used to eat a TON and now she is like...saying how she ate a salad the night before and how she eats 80 cal. yogurt and stuff. It's making me think about my weight more. It's a plus and a minus at the same time.

And...i think I'll have popcorn soon...I'm still starving. I don't know. I'll keep the total under 900. Maybe i could restict, but at like 800 or 700 usually. I don't know. I may try it for tomorrow.

He Was Looking To...The Sky.

Sooo much stuff! Ok, i'll start off with the gigantic part.

DS. What else to say? Ahhh...the dance! It was the best dance of my LIFE! I mean it. We were slow danceing withh ALL of our body parts touching (remember, we're both 14:) and it was incredible. We were texting later and he said how he really wanted to kiss me...i said he should have :) (Never been kissed...yet) And it was truely just amazing. :)
Then I came home...
Got on facebook...
Talked to cousin A...
(Remember how she and DS dated?)
She freaked out about us going to the dance together...DS told A that he liked me [:)] but she got super pissed. I explained it wasn't like official (yet) or anything...but she didn't care. The next day she wouldn't even make small talk with me...she said "If it were anyone else i wouldn't care." Fuck no. She'd be just as pissed. She's just using the whole "cousins" thing as an excuse. Whatever. Yesterday and today she's talked a little to me. Not like before. I wonder if it ever will be? I'm goona make it like before...even if I'm mad.

So, I called my friend D and i cried on the phone to her. A. made me feel like i was this terrible person for having feelings for DS...when i know I'm not. I mean- we both said we'd never fall for each other...it just wouldn't happen. But it did, and we're trying to deal with everything that comes with it.
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Weight: Unsure.

Starting tomorrow I'm goona try eat Healthy/ish. My goal is 1000 cal. a day. Notice how i put the cap. letter on Healthy'ish? I did :)

Band contests was today. I play alto sax. (incase ya forgot) and i got a +1 (best ya can get) I was really happy. I worked hard on that...and altho i messed up some easy parts, i think it was alright.

Life's moving fast for me. Summer is coming up (less than 10 days because of track meets) Speaking of track: I freakin' hate it. Why would I wanna run 2 mile? I don't! That's why! I just goota remember that it's almost over...and i need it. I've been wearing only my loose pants. I don't know what i can fit into.

I'll try to post everyday, at least once, but no promises. Sorry. I'm trying. Holy crap, that was a long post! :)