Screaming For Confidence, Bleeding For More.

I don't even wanna talk right now.

One little annoying thing, and i ruin my day.

I'm pathedic. I could have stopped, i should have.

I don't know what to do.

All I Really Need Is To Breathe.

Long, long weekend. Ha, it's only Sat. night.

Yesterday we practiced our instruments for 6 hrs. 360 min. To, flipin', long. And today? Another 3. 180 min.

Good thing? I weighed 128.8 pounds yesterday morning. Wow, right? Haha, i jumped up in down for like 10 seconds.

Bad thing? Since then I've eated thousands of calories, seriously. I'm goona go stuff my face with cereal before bed too. Why? Yesterday we got there early to set up, and i was so tired. Like it took way more effort than it should have to lift some easy things. I felt dizzy. I can't do that. I'm an athlete. Track's starting in like 2 weeks and we run...alot. Ugh. But i think eating normal (haha, for a 13 year old girl) when I'm with other people (other than family, they'll let me eat salads without making to many comments) out of town is fine.

Plan? Haha, of course I have one. :) Tomorrow I'm going to barely eat (make up for some of yesterday and today) and then I'll continue to barely eat untill i'm 125. Then, I'll eat about 500 cal. a day. I'll try to maintain, but I'm not sure If I'll continnue to lose or not. I don't want to (wow, right!?!) get any lower than that for awhile. I'm so scared that someone's goona notice. Not that it's even that noticable. I can basically only tell on my tummy (smaller) collarbones (stick out more) and hips (same) oh, and my back (less fat) haha, yes, i notice these things.

I'm goona go and eat and then sleep. I have early church tomorrow which i can't get out of. I love God, but i really don't think he cares if i misses a few church services here and there, atleast when I'm exhausted. *yawn*
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Olivia Lee: Yeah, i absolutely love them. The salsa makes up for the lettuce. Haha, you kind of forget you're eating a salad. And I'm recomend getting spicey salsa, speeds up metabolism (i bet you already know) and it makes me crave water. Then, after i sip on that, I'm suddenly full. It's wonderful :) Oh, and thanks! I like your blog too :)

I Wish I Had Never Had To Say That.

Ok, my total will probably be pretty high and my workout was around 150ish i think. Why? I'm scared I'm losing too fast. I know, crazy, right? I'm just scared as soon as i start eating remotely normal I'll balloon up. I can't do that.

Breakfast:
1 medium banana (110)
1 coffee (0)

Lunch:
1/2 banana (55)
3/4 cup lettuce (5)
1 serving canned peaches (50)

Snack:
2 lollies (50ish)
1 can and 1 bottle diet coke (0)

Dinner:
Salad (35) [consiting of lettuce and a lot of salsa]

Total: 305

I'm confused. How did i get that low of a number? I honestly didn't try. Ok, i didn't have a snack before the diet coke, which i really wanted, but still. I'm kind of amazed. How come this is so easy? It used to be so hard.

Weight: 130.4 [-1.2]

I know, i FINALLY got to 130! Haha, SUPER HAPPY! And I'm pretty sure I'l BE IN THE 120'S BY TOMORROW!!! I'm SOOOOOOO excited!

One thought tho: should i care no one's noticed yet?

Oh, and leaving for band tomorrow. I'll write Sat. night most likely. I'm kind of really nervous. What if i mess up? And what about the food? Tomorrow morning i don't know if I'll eat breakfast or not. I'll have a ton of coffee (3-4cups) atleast, because we're stopping at a gas station (Yikes!) and getting food. I think I'll avoid it and say i already ate. I'll try. I'm sure I'll eat plenty later tho. Or maybe I'll eat the last jello? My mom should buy more by the time i return. I have this sinking feeling that when i come back I'll be 3 pounds heavier. Ouch, right?

Tell Me What To Do.

I need to hurry.

Dinner:
1 huge serving of chicken fried rice (150ish?)

Snack:
1 rootbeer float (130ish)

Total: 280

280+104= 384.

Not as great as it should have been. I wouldn't have had that float if we didn't have this party thing AGAIN and everyone took them. I couldn't not. They'd question me. I'm sick of questions.

Weight: 131.6 [-1.9]

I know, i forgot to post my weight earlier. I honestly forgot. I need to go to bed. I have so much work to catch up on.
I'm goona go to the gym tomorrow. I'm hoping to burn around 400 cals....and i know i can eat under that because the lunch their serving (some weird potatoe thing) i hate. Everyone knows I hate it. No one will question me. Thank God.

It Wasn't Me.

People annoy me, ya know? Ok, you don't, let me explain. So at lunch they had ham and cheese sandwhiches which i didn't wanna eat. I'd eat something else. I kindly offered it to my cousin A and then my kind-of friend M freaked. "Why aren't you eating it? Huh!" And then A started in. "Yeah, you've been giving us your food this whole week. (true) Why? Huh? You don't eat anymore. Going Ana are you? Huh!?!"

I got all defensive and wanted to cry. D tried to stick up for me and was like, "I've seen her eat. She's weird and only eats in patterns." Everyone looked at her and she continued. "Like, she doesn't eat during the day, but then she just eats everything in sight at night."

Part of me was mad, and i was like, "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! I eat ALL of the time! (at the time i was eating carrots) Remember last weekend! Huh!" everyone at my table was staring at me. But, go figure, i continued. "You call eating a big breakfast, lunch, ICE CREAM, dinner, and a ton of junk food at night NOT EATING!"

D said that that wasn't very much and everyone changed the sub. But honestly, i'm still mad. Sorry, D, but we can't all eat hundreds of calories per meal plus 3 snacks a day and still all be 107 pounds. Whatever.

Breakfast:
1 jello (10)
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
1 2/3 cup lettuce (12)
Tiny meat cubes (7ish?)
Glazed carrots (75ish?)

Snack:
1 diet coke (0)

Total: 104.

Good day, so far. I think I'm goona eat some disgustingly fattening dinner with the fam. I don't even know if i can get out of it, I'll try tho.

Sorry for freakin' on ya'll. It just gets really frusterating, ya know? But i am kind of glad D tried to stand up for me. She and i had a convo about it last weekend. I said that it probably was as hurtful when everyone told her that she's too skinny (she DOES eat, she just doesn't gain weight. She's been trying!) as when they tell me I'm ana.

I've told you guys' this before. I'm not anorexic, ok? I'm sick of being called that. I restrict. I watch what i eat. I have to. But I'm not anorexic. I wish people would just not question my eating habits, it's none of their buisness's.

You're So Distracting.

I feel sick. Seriously.

Dinner:
1 serving scrambled eggs(85)
1 serving deer meat (180ish)

Total: 265

265+187= 452

Ugh. I was goona have a good day. I was. And i was only goona have a salad(25). And i would have if my mom hadn't cooked and my dad wasn't sitting right next to me. He thought that i barely ate anything. Ha.

My stomach feels too full, and it feels funny. I hope I didn't completely ruin my results for tomorrow. Crap.

This Night Is Flawless, Don't You Let It Go.

Aww! Does anyone not love the cover of Enchanted by Adam Young!?! Haha, i heard it a couple weeks ago and forgot about it...but then i remembered it today...and it's sooooooooo sweet!

Ok, haha, enough of that. I can already tell that today isn't going to be a nearly as good as yesterday day, but it still should be good. Let's see:

Breakfast:
1 jello(10)
1 cup coffee(0)

Lunch:
1 3/4 cup lettuce (12ish)
2 tbs. salsa (10)
1 serving canned green beans (25ish)
1 serving apple sauce (100)

Snack:
2 diet cokes(0)
3/4 cup cut green beans (30)

Total: 187

Weight: 133.4 (not too bad considered how i ate this weekend)

See? Not as good. But yes, it is still very good for me. And i know i shouldn't have had that apple sauce, and i almost didn't. I ate half of it, and then got two salads with the salsa...and i don't drink milk there anymore (caf.) because of the calories and my mouth was really hot. I needed something, and they didn't have any water. I shouldn't have finished it, i know, but oh well.

I'm feeling alot better today, which is good. The bad thing is that i won't have any excersize today because i was gone at an Orthodontist appointment and got back like an hour ago...and was to lazy to walk to the gym (parents are both at work). I think I'll just have a salad and then a jello later. I'm trying to not eat so much jello (that's why i had green beans for a snack) because my mom didn't buy any more the other day...and I only have like 3 or 4 left...and I really wanna save them for breakfast. I'm going to try to convince my mom to get some more and then i'll take some for this weekend. I'll write later...I'm not very interesting :)
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PollyAnna: I know, i guess i was just in a kind of funk? Haha, i'm not sure. 212 is a good number, and i should have been happier. Thanks tho! Just so you know, your comments kind of make my day :) You make me feel like I'm not alone.

I Wanted Words, But All I Got Was Nothing.

Hey! Ok...let's see how it all went down.

Dinner:
1 1/2 tbs. taco meat(75ish)
1 cup lettuce (7)
2 tbs. salsa (15)

Snack:
1 cup cranberry juice (40)
1 jello (10)

Total: 147

147+65= 212

That's the best I've ever down. Sad fact? I feel like i could have done better. Oh well. I'm ok with 212 calories in a day.

I was rereading a few of my old posts. It's kind of scary to think how my thoughts have changed. I mean, i was always focused on food, but before i thought 800 calorie days were great. Now I'm not even that happy about 212. What happened?

If You Ever Come Back.

Today feels like a good day. I managed to avoid eating a corndog and fries for lunch (300ish)...which is good. Sadly, i don't feel so good. My stomache is bloated and hurts...and i have diarea. Uhh.

Breakfast:
1 jello (10)
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
Canned pears (30ish)
3/4 lettuce (5)
Tiny meat cube things (10?)

Snack:
1 jello (10)

Total: 65.

I'm smiling right now. Haha. I'm pretty darn pround. Oh, and i did exercise. I biked for a little over an hour (350?) and I did this stepping thing for like 10 min (50ish).

I think I'm just going to have a salad and then a frozen jello later one. I am honestly very tired...and i just checked my grade and math and i got it up. THANKFULLY! I now have a C- in it which is still terrible, but atleast i get my iPod back! :)
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PollyAnna: Haha, it sucks, right? Well i didn't actually do it today (stomach) but i'm hoping to soon. And I think I'll write more about my sax. playing later. I'll probably mention it in atleast a few more posts before this weekend.
Sofia: Yes, laughter truely is the best medicine (in my opinion)

Feel Free.

Hey! I'm back :)

Ok, i didn't embarress myself, and only D saw me in a swim suit. Good news

Bad news. I ate...alot. Ok, i didn't eat too badly untill yesterday...just today. I think i'll just say binge days and move on. I'm not counting calories...still. My plan is that tomorrow I'm just going to eat very little. Jello everybody! Haha. Actually for the rest of the week i'm barely goona eat (my terms.) The main reason is because i have this band thing next weekend, and it's kind of a big deal. Not many people get accepted, and i was one that did. I play alto saxophone. I'm pretty pumped :) I got a really pretty red dress and I'm wearing heels and everything (performance day). I just wanna look nice.

Basically that means barely eat and excersize ton. Speaking of working out, stupid everything. Huh. My calorie count was way off. Instead of burning 360 for 10 mil. on the bike, i only burned like 200...maybe. Now i'm goona also jog 400 met. walk 400 met. jog, walk. I think I'll just do a mile (i hate running!) and continue with the bike. I'm going to do that 4 days this week....and with the barely eating, i should be under 130 by the end of it.

My mom was joking with my brother...and somehow said she "tried to stay under 140".
My mom's bigger than me. Not much, but she's like 1 1/2 inches taller, and a size and half. I need to be atleast 10 pounds under her. I feel icky just thinking about that. I have to be smaller than her. I just do.

Imma go and shower and then watch some more Oscars.

Don't Know If I Could Ever Be Without You.

Hey! Ok, i need to hurry and pack for tomorrow (wrestling).

Dinner:
1 1/2 cup iceberg lettuce (10)
2 tbs. salsa (15)

Snack:
1 mixer (with water)
1 jello (10)

Total: 35
TOTALTotal: 336

Good mood :) I needed that. Pray i won't embarress myself infront of L. Oh, and D is coming...this should be fun :)

And my goal is under 1000 a day. I know, that's not really a goal, but it's going to be hard with everyone eating all day...but i will try.

I'll write soon. :)

I'm Still In Love With You.

Intake for today (so far) :

Breakfast:
1 jello cup (10)
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
1/2 cup letuce (3)
1 chicken fried steak (200ish)
1/2 cup green beans (18)
1/2 cup canned peaches (50)

Snack:
1 jello cup (10)
1 mixer [with water] (10)

Total: 301

DANG. Haha, I'm happy. Plus i did end up going to the gym and biked 10 miles (360) and did a bunch of other excersizes...I'm thinking i burned like 400 all together...so right now I would be in the negatives. :)

I'm going to eat a salad for dinner, no matter what. And I think I'll have another jello cup. There the jiggle ones or whatever. I'm dead serious, i love them. When i have them for breakfast, I'm not so hungry. And for snacks they keep me full untill the next meal. I love them.:)

And ok, i kinda freaked out earlier. I found out this guy i kinda have thing for is STAYING with us at state wrestling. Like, he's goona sleep either on the bed or the floor next to me. Yeah. Thing is, he's into skinny girls. Yeah. Not that he would ever like TELL me I'm too big for him, but i feel like i am. But the plus is that he's taller than me...quite a bit so...and i don't know. Haha, that's just a plus.

My friend D might come with us...and she's a stick. Like she's my height (maybe taller) and she's 103. She told me that like a few months ago (randomly). She eats tho. She was always this short stick, and she just grew. She's also kinda pretty...i think I'm prettier...but she def. has the better body (mainly legs) but whatever. I sound horrible. Sorry.

I think I'll post later...not sure. I'm actually in a really great mood. :)