I Wanted Words, But All I Got Was Nothing.

Hey! Ok...let's see how it all went down.

Dinner:
1 1/2 tbs. taco meat(75ish)
1 cup lettuce (7)
2 tbs. salsa (15)

Snack:
1 cup cranberry juice (40)
1 jello (10)

Total: 147

147+65= 212

That's the best I've ever down. Sad fact? I feel like i could have done better. Oh well. I'm ok with 212 calories in a day.

I was rereading a few of my old posts. It's kind of scary to think how my thoughts have changed. I mean, i was always focused on food, but before i thought 800 calorie days were great. Now I'm not even that happy about 212. What happened?

If You Ever Come Back.

Today feels like a good day. I managed to avoid eating a corndog and fries for lunch (300ish)...which is good. Sadly, i don't feel so good. My stomache is bloated and hurts...and i have diarea. Uhh.

Breakfast:
1 jello (10)
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
Canned pears (30ish)
3/4 lettuce (5)
Tiny meat cube things (10?)

Snack:
1 jello (10)

Total: 65.

I'm smiling right now. Haha. I'm pretty darn pround. Oh, and i did exercise. I biked for a little over an hour (350?) and I did this stepping thing for like 10 min (50ish).

I think I'm just going to have a salad and then a frozen jello later one. I am honestly very tired...and i just checked my grade and math and i got it up. THANKFULLY! I now have a C- in it which is still terrible, but atleast i get my iPod back! :)
_______________________________________________________________

PollyAnna: Haha, it sucks, right? Well i didn't actually do it today (stomach) but i'm hoping to soon. And I think I'll write more about my sax. playing later. I'll probably mention it in atleast a few more posts before this weekend.
Sofia: Yes, laughter truely is the best medicine (in my opinion)

Feel Free.

Hey! I'm back :)

Ok, i didn't embarress myself, and only D saw me in a swim suit. Good news

Bad news. I ate...alot. Ok, i didn't eat too badly untill yesterday...just today. I think i'll just say binge days and move on. I'm not counting calories...still. My plan is that tomorrow I'm just going to eat very little. Jello everybody! Haha. Actually for the rest of the week i'm barely goona eat (my terms.) The main reason is because i have this band thing next weekend, and it's kind of a big deal. Not many people get accepted, and i was one that did. I play alto saxophone. I'm pretty pumped :) I got a really pretty red dress and I'm wearing heels and everything (performance day). I just wanna look nice.

Basically that means barely eat and excersize ton. Speaking of working out, stupid everything. Huh. My calorie count was way off. Instead of burning 360 for 10 mil. on the bike, i only burned like 200...maybe. Now i'm goona also jog 400 met. walk 400 met. jog, walk. I think I'll just do a mile (i hate running!) and continue with the bike. I'm going to do that 4 days this week....and with the barely eating, i should be under 130 by the end of it.

My mom was joking with my brother...and somehow said she "tried to stay under 140".
My mom's bigger than me. Not much, but she's like 1 1/2 inches taller, and a size and half. I need to be atleast 10 pounds under her. I feel icky just thinking about that. I have to be smaller than her. I just do.

Imma go and shower and then watch some more Oscars.

Don't Know If I Could Ever Be Without You.

Hey! Ok, i need to hurry and pack for tomorrow (wrestling).

Dinner:
1 1/2 cup iceberg lettuce (10)
2 tbs. salsa (15)

Snack:
1 mixer (with water)
1 jello (10)

Total: 35
TOTALTotal: 336

Good mood :) I needed that. Pray i won't embarress myself infront of L. Oh, and D is coming...this should be fun :)

And my goal is under 1000 a day. I know, that's not really a goal, but it's going to be hard with everyone eating all day...but i will try.

I'll write soon. :)

I'm Still In Love With You.

Intake for today (so far) :

Breakfast:
1 jello cup (10)
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
1/2 cup letuce (3)
1 chicken fried steak (200ish)
1/2 cup green beans (18)
1/2 cup canned peaches (50)

Snack:
1 jello cup (10)
1 mixer [with water] (10)

Total: 301

DANG. Haha, I'm happy. Plus i did end up going to the gym and biked 10 miles (360) and did a bunch of other excersizes...I'm thinking i burned like 400 all together...so right now I would be in the negatives. :)

I'm going to eat a salad for dinner, no matter what. And I think I'll have another jello cup. There the jiggle ones or whatever. I'm dead serious, i love them. When i have them for breakfast, I'm not so hungry. And for snacks they keep me full untill the next meal. I love them.:)

And ok, i kinda freaked out earlier. I found out this guy i kinda have thing for is STAYING with us at state wrestling. Like, he's goona sleep either on the bed or the floor next to me. Yeah. Thing is, he's into skinny girls. Yeah. Not that he would ever like TELL me I'm too big for him, but i feel like i am. But the plus is that he's taller than me...quite a bit so...and i don't know. Haha, that's just a plus.

My friend D might come with us...and she's a stick. Like she's my height (maybe taller) and she's 103. She told me that like a few months ago (randomly). She eats tho. She was always this short stick, and she just grew. She's also kinda pretty...i think I'm prettier...but she def. has the better body (mainly legs) but whatever. I sound horrible. Sorry.

I think I'll post later...not sure. I'm actually in a really great mood. :)

We Could Have Been Everything.

I know i haven't posted in a few days, which is forever for me, but I haven't had much to post. Seriously. My eating sucks. I'm goona change that. I started out great today, but then we had CCD and we ate the whole time. I seriously had 3 cupcakes. AND A TON OF FROSTING! Ugh.

I am FINALLY goona workout tomorrow. I'm thinking 10 miles biking (360) and like 100 calories on the ellipsor...haha i suddenly just like FORGOT what it's called. Oh well. I'm goona burn 500 calories, atleast off tomorrow, and i'm goona try to eat less than that. Reason why? State wrestling is this weekend, and i might be in a swimsuit. Ick. I'm goona try to just go to the sauna. I'm goona look up how much you can loose in one.

I guess you burn about 300-500 in 30mins...which is mainly water. Basically when i drink water afterwards i'll gain it all back. Crap, what if we don't have a sauna? I don't know, i promise I'll try to work out tho. I need it. I'm goona weigh myself Fri morning (no school because of the wrestling) before we go. I need to know how much damage I've done in the past week...

I'm also goona just reply to comments on here...i still don't know how to yet.
___________________________________________________________
PollyAnna: Thanks for the advice. And i ended up not trying the salt thing...i wanted to, but again, my mom was here. And i don't know if i could bring it up with her. She'd probably like freak out...she's crazy. Thanks tho.
Sofia: You honestly made me laugh when you offered to tutor me. Not in a mean way tho. Just in a "dang she's nice" way. Haha. And I guess i WAS just having one of those days. You comment did make me feel better tho. Thanks :)

Tell Me I'm A Wreck.

Ugh. Yeah, today sucked. Actually, it was great, untill the dang cookies were done. I didn't even attempt to count how many I had.

I'm goona start weighin' in every morning, i just feel better knowin' how much i gain after my stupid binges.

I'm getting really frusterated. Apparently my mom doesn't have to work which = no attmept SeaWater flush or whatever. And a doutful fast. I don't even think I'll try to fast. I don't know.

As you can tell, my day wasn't so hot. Apparently i have a D+ in Math. I know, I'm a retard. I can't believe i have that. I'm on the dink list. Basically means I'm stupid. I feel stupid. I feel worthless. I am worthless.

How Do We Carry On?

I couldn't post yesterday because I was gone all day (Bball) and then went and watched wrestling. I weighed in yesterday and was 131. Haha, i was super excited. Remember how badly i ate? Yeah, so do I.

I got a little too excited, and ate a big, big breakfast. I decided to skip lunch to make up for it, and I did. I had 2 lolli pops (50) and be fine. Then, go figure, we ate dinner at a buffet. I ate like a PIG! Then i got home...and binged. Maga big binge.

Breakfast:
2 cups of coffee with no cal. sweetner (0)

Lunch:
1 big serving goolaushe (200ish?)

Snack:
1 chocolate pudding cup (110)

Total: 310.

That's today so far. I could've done without the pudding, but i was craving it. Oh and i gained this morning (i expected it).

Weight: 132.6 [+1.6]

I know, BIG gain. I figure I'll just try to not eat much for the rest of the day. And tomorrow Imma try a liquid fast tomorrow. I've never fastested before, and I'm extremely nervous about it. We have no school tomorrow, so i should be able to do it, or atleast try. And, I'm goona try to do the Saltwater flush thing. I don't have the correct salt, but i'm going to try putting a tablespoon of table salt in a 1 liter and try to chug it. I have no idea how this will work, but my plan is waking up at like 8:15 to do (my mom leaves for work at like 7:45). My main worry is still having to go the bathroom when she gets home for her lunchbreak, that's why I'm goona try it so early.

And another little thing, my mom said she's goona make cookies, i told her not to, but she is. Now I'm worried i'll be super tempted. I know if i eat one, well, it won't stop there. Ugh.

Just One Look And You're Seein' Double.

I'm sorry. I've been puttin' off writing untill i absolutely couldn't anymore. I just don't feel good...physically/emotionally. Physically i'm hungry but still manage to have a horrible stomache ache. Emotionally...i'm just drained. I feel like i'm doing so much for everyone- i just don't have any time to breathe. Even when i do, it's just not enough.

Breakfast:
2 oreos (140)
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
1 breadstick (100ish)
1 serving canned pinaple (60ish)
Tons and tons of carrots (0)

Dinner:
2 diet cokes (0)
4 suckers (100) [25 per 1]
1 popcorn (100)

Yesterday's Total: 500

Breakfast:
2 oreos (140)
1 cup coffee (0)
1 peice of toast with peanut butter (160ish)

Lunch:
1 cup turkey noodle soup (200)
Tons of carrots (0)
1 serving canned pinapple (60ish)

Snack:
1 small pear (80)

Dinner:
1 BBQ sandwich (150ish)

Today's Total: 790

Yeah, i know today was bad, but i am semi proud of myself in one way. The caf. was serving these AMAZING PB&J sanwiches, and i took one. I know, stupid, stupid, stupid. Luckliy, they were packaged. Right when i started to open mine to eat i "glanced" at the nutrition info. Just guess how many calories.

320. For a SANDWICH! A SMALL ONE TOO! I know, good thing i looked, cause then i didn't eat it. The sad, but kinda of funny thing is is that 2 of my friends went up and got SECOND sandwhiches, that's 640 calories...not including the soup which was 200 (I didn't know, but i really did love it) which would be 840 all together. That's more than i ate all day yesterday and today (so far) for just lunch. I wanted to tell them, i really did, but i knew they'd make some comment about me not eating enough (which is crap, lately all i do is eat).

I was proud of that, but now I'm really hungry. Imma go and check what semi low calories foods are upstairs.

Haha, goodness I'm so unintelligent. So, i was looking for food and i'm like BAM! why not some yummy Maple & Brown Sugar Oatmeal. So i made it. Thinking it would fill me up even better if i added more water than i usually do, i added a bit more. 5 sec. before it's supposed to be done i look a it and some of it's overflowing. Smart, right? Haha. Oh well, took off some cals. i bet. Pathedic day, really.

960.

One Cookie.

My total was 234 before dinner and then i had 3 chicken strips and 1 bisquit.

My total for today was 634.

I'm not sure.

I really wanna cookie.

I think I'll have one.

I'll cut 100 off tomorrow, somehow.

I have no will power.

Just one cookie.

734.

I Don't Know What Happened.

Hi. I'm not quite sure what yesterday's total was...but I do know it had to be under 1000, atleast. I know, it was atleast under that. So far today:

Breakfast:
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
1 cup lettuce (7)
1 serving mandarin oranges (77)

Snack:
1 Sunny D (50)
1 cookie (100?)

Total: 234

Ok, i had a ton of carrots also (baby ones) but i found out that they are negative calories. That means that yes, they DO have calories, but it takes MORE calories to burn them. I lose calories for eating them, so i just kinda ignored that i ate them.

Ok, and I'm pretty happy about this. I shouldn't have had the Sunny D or the cookie, but i REALLY wanted one. Pathedic, right? Oh! And i do still chew gum...but i don't count the calories. First, there aren't a ton, second, i need it to live on. I don't know, i just figure it won't be too bad to have a few peices a day.

I'm not sure what I've having for dinner, but I'm hoping to not eat very much. I'm goona try to make up for yesterday and-well- every other day for like the past week. I need to.

I Don't Belong Here.

Dang! Haha, i got on and BAM! TWO new followers! Haha, thanks! I never thought ANYONE would wanna read what's in this little messed up brain of mine.

Ok, done with being happy. Valentine's Day is my least favorite holiday. (Is it a holiday?) I don't know why, i just hate it. I spent the day binging because of how much i hate it...and i don't care. Today isn't goona be great, my stomach's getting back in the swing of things. So far:

Breakfast:
1 cup coffee (0)
1/2 serving creamer (30)
1 cookie (170?)

Lunch:
1 cup lettuce (7)
3/4 serving canned peaches (70ish)
Glazed carrots...LOTS (200ish)

Snack:
1 granola bar (100)

Total: 577

Yeah, i know. Again, my stomach just isn't used to it. Pathedic? I'm still hungry. I figure I'll eat another snack before the bball game and then have popcorn (100) for dinner with 1 or 2 diet cokes. My total should be around 800 for today because i got a mini hershey thing at school and ate it cause everyone else was eating theirs. Again, pathedic.

My Plan: eat atleast 100 less tomorrow (should be easy, i will NOT eat breakfast, only coffee). After that? I have no idea. My mind's in a lot of different places right now, and i just- don't know. I might post tonight, might not. I'll try, but i don't know when I'll get back from my game.

Oh, and i hope you all had a better Valentine's Day then i did.

It's So Beautiful, It Makes You Wanna Cry.

Ugh. I ate sooo much today. Like thousands and thousands, it feel like. Ok, not THAT much, but more than i ate all last week i bet. I'll just work it off this week. I can do it. Sadly, i can't quite remember all of what i ate today, so there won't be a total. Oh wellz. And the story of what ruined my day:

This woman turned towards her husband and whispered something into his ear. He quickly got up and got out of the isle. He reached his hand for his wife and she also got up. She took a step, and then started to fall backwards, the woman in the pew behind got up and caught her before she fell. She passed out, cold. Everyone kept trying to see the lady and some man called 911. The priest quickly walked over and annointed her. I couldn't take my eyes off of the man. He looked so sad. He was about to cry, and so was I. I just kept thinking how this lady (she was elderly, and so was her husband) could easily die (she had cancer, but was in remission) and all i ever did was complain about my weight and how ugly i am and stuff. How horrible of a person am I?

I keep seeing the man's face as they took the woman out on a stretcher. I'm so scared that will be me some day. I'm so scared i won't have someone, anyone, that would cry for me. That wouldn't have that look on their faces.

Who Are You?

Ugh, horrible mood. Sorry. Stupid computer just deleted last post, and it was LONG. It was terrible too. So far calories intake is like 800, and i don't care. Tomorrow I'll go back to 500 for the week and make up for it. Woke up and weighed 131.6 by tomorrow I'll be 132 something, again I don't care. I'll write tonight. Today was just this disgusting day. Ugh. Not just food wise either.

Perfect In Weakness.

Hey! I'm goona probably make this quick. Depends on how bad it is. Let's see.

Breakfast:
Oatmeal (130)

Lunch:
Popcorn (100)
Bar (150?)

Dinner:
Grilled Chicken with bun (250?)

Total: 630

DANG. Haha, very good, indeed. I honestly didn't even really try. I mean, I was goona shoot for super low today, but first my cousin A was hangin' with me at the wrestling tourney and she wanted food, so I'm like, "sure." and i WAS kinda hungry, so i got popcorn. But she wanted a bar and I didn't want her to think anything so i got one too. A few hours later i was REALLY hungry. Like, stomache pains and everything. I could HEAR my stomache. Somehow i managed to wait untill dinner. Which we went out to eat with some other family members. I somehow only ate a grilled chicken with bun and no one really questioned me. My mom made a comment about how i should eat some of her cheese balls, but i said I was full. I hate lying.

And diet coke. Goodness, i need to cut back. On the way to the tourney i had a can (12 fl.) then i got there and had a bottle (20fl.) and then for dinner i had another bottle (20 fl.) dang. And 52 fl. is like 1 liter and 20 fl. which is more than half another liter. My cousin thinks my blood is half diet coke and laughed at me for drinking it all. I made the comment it had no calories...she stopped drinking her Mountain Dew after that :)

Actually, she really frusterates me. The reason why is because she's basically perfect. Ok, no she's not, but she's AMAZING at basketball, i'm serious. She's a freshman and she's high scorer in Varsity. Yeah. And guys like her for some reason? I never got that. She's extremely cocky (she DOES have a reason to be) and she is actually bigger than me. I know, i sound horrible. But she eats ALOT, and is a tightish 7. I'm a pretty loose 7 now. Not much difference, but still. I don't know, she just gets to me. I don't really wanna talk about her right now.

I think Imma have an apple before going to be (100ish) because i feel like one. Haha. I'm not really hungry but i feel like the juice from it. I'm goona start weighing daily again, i like it. I'm curious for tomorrow tho.

So Baby Keep My Heart Beat-Beat-Beating.

Hey! Ok, i DID weigh myself. i am 131. i know, NOT 130. I was kinda mad. So i ate an oatmeal packet (130) that i don't even like. Oh, and i had a cup of coffee, of course. Honestly, i'm mad at myself for not getting any farther, but I'm not giving up. My highest weight was 137, and i am 6 pounds from that, and i AM extremely happy about that. Today I'm just going to be careful of what i eat, and i don't have an amount. And tomorrow I'll...I'm not sure. Haha. I'll figure it out today, how much i should eat. I really wanna be 130.9 atleast by the end of this weekend, but i dout i will be. Weekends are really hard for me.

I'm leaving for wrestling tourney today...I'm kinda worried about eating. I really don't wanna mess up the progress I've already made. I bettter go and get ready.

You're Goona Catch A Cold, From The Ice Inside Your Soul.

Hey. Today i ate a ton, and I knew i shouldn't have eaten so much.I just REALLY didn't wanna get sick at practice. That's my excuse anywayz.

Breakfast:
Strinch cheese (70)
Tiny powdered cookie (50?)

Lunch:
Chicken patty with bun (200)
1 peice white bread (100)
1 tbs. peanut butter (90)
1 serving french fries (170)

Snack:
1 serving V8 (50)

Dinner
1 popcorn (100)
1 diet coke (0)

Snack:
1 small apple (60)

Total: 890

Oh my goodness. Disgusting, right? I guess it COULD have been worse...sorta. I almost had some ice cream instead of the apple. Oh well, we had a hard practice, so i'm sure i burned off alot. Weighin' in tomorrow. I am so nervous. Oh! And the jeans i wore today? Looser, by far. :)

You Don't Know Me. Don't Ignore Me. If You Had Your Way You'd Just Shut Me Out.

Tired. Word of my life. I'm totally exhausted. Practice was bad, I was so pathedic i didn't think i could finish the last ladder. I got super dizzy and had a horrible headache. I need to eat more on practice days. I can't take another one like today.

Breakfast:
1 cup coffee (0)
2 tiny frozen fruit things (50?)

Lunch:
1 medium banana (105)
2 cups lettuce (14)
Tiny cubes of meat (10?)
1 tbs. ranch (70)

Snack:
8 Fl. v8 (50)


Dinner:
1 diet coke (0)
1 popcorn (100)

Total: 399

I know, I was only supposed to have 361 calories today, and i would have had 349 but i felt so dizzy i needed something, which is the v8. I NEEDED the calories. I'll go 600 tomorrow because of practice. I should eat more, i know i should, but i can't. I have to be 130. I just NEED to, ya know? Plus 600 is about 200 more than today. That should really help at practice, i hope.  I don't know.

On a good note, my jeans that i wore last week are really lose. Serisouly. I wore them today, and almost needed a belt. That means that i COULDN'T have gain...right?

Do I End Up, Do I End Up Happy?

Total: 859

Ewww. I had that soup, luckily just one serving, and i was kinda happy gettin' away with just one. (It was incredible, seriously) I went to CCD and then got home. I just had a Sunny D (50). I know i shouldn't have, but i was craving one. My limit was 720 and since i got 859 that means i can have 361 tomorrow. Imma aim for lower. I know, I know, that's horrible, only eating that much, but i have to. I'm so scared i didn't lose anything. And i heard that you metabolism is messed up if you don't confused it by changing you calorie intake daily, like it can go into starvation motion or whatever. I don't know.

Tomorrows breakfast will be coffee and nothing, absolutely nothing. Lunch tomorrow is chili and french bread, good thing i hate chili and tell everyone i don't really like the bread. It "tastes like super fake cheese with too much grease." Haha. Well people believe it when in reality i actually really like it. I'll eat a salad and maybe some carrots? Neg. calories on the carrots so i think i will.

I'm working concessions tomorrow night also, which means it will be REALLY tempting being by all the food. I'll make sure to just have a popcorn and a diet coke. Maybe two diet cokes. I don't know. That is of course after practice, which will totally kill. It's goona be hard, real hard. Good thing my body needs it. Bad.

 I'm so worried for Sat. morning (weigh in) that i'm not sure what to do. What if i didn't lose anything? What if i gained?

Don't Ever Say Goodbye.

Yes, i just posted, but i need to vent. I feel like crying. Not just from my last post, but i have opened cheetos sitting right next to me, and it's KILLING me not to take one. I keep thinking, it's only one. And that's true, the FIRST one is only one. Then I'll want another, and one more. And before i know it I'll finish the bag. I can't do this. I can't not take one and stay by it. I keep staring at it and it's as tho it's laughing at me. I do not care how dumb that sounds, laughing bags. I need one. I'm hungry. I don't care how much i already ate. I need one. Just one. No more. One, or dinner? Huh? How will i get away with not eating the soup? I won't. That's how. I'll get yelled at and made to eat it. I wish i didn't. I wish i could eat those cheetos. I wanna move them sooo bad. I haven't eaten since lunch...my horrible lunch. My disguesting lunch. It wouldn't have been so bad except those dang beans that i didn't even really like. I was just sooo hungry. I found jeans from two years ago. Their actually really cute. To bad they don't fit. Their made to be tight. Their too tight. I wanna fit in them soon. Real soon. Not with eating those cheetos. And my friend's b-day was today. She gave me a chocolate bar. It's in my freezer. What if i ate that for breakfast? Half of it? Could I? Or would i eat it all? All, probably. I need to go. No one does this. I'm crazy. I feel crazy. Am I crazy? No, I'm just hungry. I putting those cheetos upstairs. I am not going to eat them. I just won't.

I'm Only Perfect In Weakness.

Breakfast:
1 hard boiled egg (70)
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
2 cups lettuce (14)
1 Tbs. ranch (75)
1/2 cup baked beans (170)
1/2 cup mixed fruit(80)
1Tbs. peanut butter (90)
1 peice white bread (70)

Snack:
1 diet coke (0)

Total: 569

I feel disgusting. Plus my mom's making cheeseburger chowder soup (240ish) per serving. Ouch. I was sooo hungry during lunch today, and i just don't know why. I should have stopped. I should have. I guess my rule was that if i went over the next day then i'd take how ever many i went over and not eat that much less. Well, since i was under since i started, i can go as high as 720 before i can't eat 500 tomorrow. Ugh, i have a fear i won't be eating very much tomorrow at all. For lunch i will not eat this much...ever again.

And breakfast? Forget it.

Early.

Ugh, too early to be alive. Had to finish this homework thing this morning, that's why I'm awake at 6:26.
Decided I'll have a small hard boiled egg (70) for breakfast and coffee (0). Just thought I'd write that down now.

Did great last night, really did only eat that popcorn. I'll write later (after school). Imma go and try to sleep for a half an hour.

Just Kidding!

Ok, just kidding! My total will be like 427 i just had a serving of cheetos because i'm hungry :)

Totals.

Hey! Sorry I didn't post yesterday, i honestly had no time. I think I'm doing pretty darn good! Haha, let me just total the calories before i get too excited.
Breakfast:
1 cup coffee (0)

Snack:
4 peices gum (20)

Lunch
1 cup lettuce (7)
1/2 cup taco meat (211)
1/2 cup canned peaches (35)

Dinner:
Popcorn (100)
1 diet coke (0)
1 diet pepsi (0)

Total: 353


Breakfast:
1 cup coffee (0)

Snack:
4 peices gum (20)

Lunch:
1 cup lettuce (7)
1/2 cup turkey (120)
3/4 cup carrots (40)

Dinner:
Popcorn (100)
1 diet coke (0)


Total: 267

Yes! Haha, that's incredible for me! I'm soooo happy! Plus I've had basketball everyday, and so i've been sweating alot :) Oh! And the reason why i have popcorn for dinner all the time is because we have games almost every night this week, and popcorn is as low in calories as i can get. I REALLY am craving pizza tho, but i just won't let myself! And i haven't eaten dinner yet, i just will only allow myself that. I can do it.

My fear is that i won't lose any weight. What would happen? I'd freak out, that's what. I'm averaging 300 cal. a day, and i NEED to be 130 by Sat. Yes, i changed it. I was goona weigh myself on Fri. but i figure i might need an extra day, plus i don't think I'll have time in the morning. I've been having alot of troubles sleeping.

And yes, i am finally having plain coffe. I still think it's too bitter, but i'm sucking it up for now. Maybe I'll add creamer next week, maybe not.

I'll write tomorrow after school. I better go and get ready for our scrimage! :)

New Plan.

Ok. So this weekend has been absolutely horrible. But that's ok. Haha, seriously. For now on i am ONLY eating 500 cal. a day. Say i got over 50, that means the next day i get 450. How I'll do it? I'll have PLAIN coffee for breakfast, every morning. (I know, I know, i don't really like it, but 0 cals.? I have to!) And I'll eat like ONLY fruit and vegs. for lunch.

And no, I am NOT anorexic. This post may make it look like i am, but I'm not.

I'm going to weigh myself on Sat. morning. If I'm not down to 130...I don't know what I'll do. But, if i AM, I'll take a REALLY long bath with this confetti stuff in it. I've had it forever, just never knew when to use it.

Oh! And late start today. For the record my time is messed up. It's two hours earlier than it says it is. Haha, just sayin.

Fat Day.

After wrestling my cousins decided to spend the night....which meant WAY to much eating. My stomach actually hurts.

Breakfast:1 cookie (180) [I ate the cookie because i was really happy with myself, and i REALLY wanted that cookie!]1 cup coffee (0)
1/2 serving creamer (30)

Lunch:
1 corn dog (220)

Snack:
1 drink mixer (10)
1 granola bar (90)

Dinner:
Grilled chicken (400) [Holy crap!]

Snack:
Popcorn (150)
cookie(180)

Total= 1260!

Horrible. I feel digusting. Plus no excersize. I'm scared to see how much I've gained tomorrow. I'm a big, ugly, fat, failure.

Bummed.

Super bummed. Got to the bus, found out the games are cancelled. Just swell. Ugh. Now I'm goona go watch my bro wrestle...which would be fun except i really wanted those games. I feel like eating. I'll try not.

Time To Shine.

Weighed myself this morning after getting back. Guess what? I'm 133.9! Haha, i like SKIPPED 134! I'm REALLY happy about that! But, I've already started eating like a pig...haha, period. I tend to eat EVERYTHING when I have mine.

Thurs. Total = about 780.
Not too bad considering i was out of town at a basketball game where all my friends eat a TON.

Yesterday's total= about 520. Heck yeah! Haha. I 'm REALLY happy about that because i even stayed at my friend's house, and i didn't eat. :)

Today...will be a bad eating one.

Breakfast:
1 cookie (180) [I ate the cookie because i was really happy with myself, and i REALLY wanted that cookie!]
1 cup coffee (0)
1/2 serving creamer (30)

Lunch:
1 corn dog (220)

Total: 430

Ouch. I know, horrible. Plus I'm goona probably eat a 100 calorie chewy bar for a snack OR an apple, i'm not sure yet. Dinner will be popcorn because I'll be at a basketball game, and i don't know what is healthier. Plus diet coke, of course. Honest, this won't be TOO bad, because of the games. Yes, i shouldn't eat any snack, but I'll make up for it with running.

Oh! And i think the reason i lost weight was because of the game on Thurs. and then practice yesterday, not that it was hard. If only i could only eat 500 cals. a day, man would i lose weight fast. I would try, but I wanna make sure to have plenty of energy for the games. This is my time to shine. I can't mess these games up.

My goal: No higher than 700 cal. tonight. Wish me luck.

Super Quick.

This one's goona be super short. Yesterday and today's totals will be posted tomorrow. I just showered and am goona go to this music thing. Don't get too excited, it's just the High School Jazz Band, haha, it'll me me next year! (Alto Sax.). And then after that imma stay at my friend S's house. It should be tons of fun...EXCEPT she eats like a horse...not trying to be mean. She's actually my size, but she eats like...ALL the time. It's crazy. I won't let myself.

Game tomorrow. Actually 3. I'll play most of the game on C team (Mainly 8th graders.) and I'll play like 6 min in B team. I have so many little goals that i can't keep track right now.

Weighed myself this morning. Only lost .1 So I was exactly 135 pounds. Tomorrow i WILL be in the 134s. I just have to be.

My mind's in a thousand places...i feel like i can't breathe.

Crap, my bro's friends here.I'll write before I leave tomorrow.

Short.

Ok. I gotta hurry. I need to shower and still have some homework to do before bed...so I'm just goona write this all quickly. Woke up, weighed myself, 135.1...angry about that. I thought i was 134ish...I'll work harder.

Breakfast:
Braided bread (150-200?)

Lunch:
Ham and Cheese Sandwhich (250ish)
Canned peaches (80?)
1 cup Jello (80)
1/2 milk carton (50)


Snack: 4 peices of gum (20, 5 each)

Dinner:
7 tatertots (100?)
3 or 4 (50?0

Total: 830

Obviously i'm not sure on some. I looked a few up and got like 3 answers...so i just went for the average. Not bad considering my school makes me eat alot...seriously. Oh, and i'll add 10 to that because i'm goona eat a jello before i go (one of those like cup ones...there really IS 10 cals, i checked)

Haha, and i had a late start today...so my mom made this braided bread and it was AMAZING. Guess what made me feel amazing? My mom said how much i took was a baby's bite. Actually i took like a cup of it (guess) and it was incredible. I'm amazed i didn't eat the rest.

Imma try to cut back on water and gum...oh, and gum. But, gum helps...so I'll go for 3 peices instead of 4...better. I'll be on MAYBE tomorrow night (bball game.) I'm excited. I REALLY need to get some exercise. I haven't had practice for 8 days...usually i have it 4 days a week...and it REALLY helps my weight. Man, I hope i lost some.

Today's Total.

Ok. Today was not as good as i thought it would be. If i hadn't eaten that stupid swiss steak I'd be fine. But, i am going to eat some popcorn (100) before bed...just because i can. My total is about 650 (including the popcorn)...which is good for me, but should have been in the 400s instead. I better have lost something though, because if i haven't...i don't know WHAT I'll do.

I'm Only Human.

So...today was amazing. Seriously. I had a diet coke for breakfast (already told ya THAT story) and then for lunch I just had 16.9 fl of water...later on i got a little hungry so INSTEAD of actually eating, i put this drink mix (10) into another 16.9 fl of water.

Better yet? When my mom got home she was yellin at me about how all i did today and yesterday was sit at home, eat, and watch TV, and i REALY wanted to yell that i hadn't even eaten all day, but i didn't. So, after like an hour, just to piss her off, i decided to go shoot some hoops. Haha, EVEN better? She had to drive me. (can't drive yet).

I was there for almost an hour...so i know i shed more than 10 calories. I was in a great mood until i found out we're eating this Swiss Steak. Looked up the calories...and it ranges from 250-350 per serving. I'm hoping to get by with a smallish serving...but i dout it. I'll probably have two medium ones. If i DO get by with a small one then I'll eat a frozen apple sauce(REALLY good) before bed (100).

I don't know, I'll check in after dinner to tell ya how it went and give ya todays total

"You disappear with all your good intentions
And all I am is all I could not mention
Like who will bring me flowers when it's over
And who will give me comfort when it's cold"
                               from Flowers For A Ghost by Thriving Ivory

 

 

Disgusting.

I am horrible. I am disgusting. I am pathedic.

After having a pretty good day (under 1000 calories). Which may totally suck, yes, but for behing home all day...well it was extremely tempting...to say the least.

Then i had to fuck it up. (Excuse language from here on). I'm still so mad. Ok, just before going to bed i was like ,"Hey, I'm kinda hungry" and i can't sleep being hungry (pathedic) and so i ate a pudding cup. After wards i was like, "Hey, i'll check the calories" even though i knoew they were 60 (I looked them up on the internet once) well, fuck, fuck, fuck, they were 110. I could have had a granola bar or a apple sauce for that...and STILL have 10 calories left over.I was so mad that i kinda...sorta...ate half a box of cereal and a couple handful of disgusting chips that i don't even like (potatoe).

When i woke up i was just going to have a cup of coffee with creamer for breakfast...but then got told there was no school again...yay...(sarcasim). Then i went back to bed untill 11:30ish. I came downstairs and there is NO FRICKEN COFFEE LEFT! Gosh, yesterday i got a cup, and today...NONE! I was pissed, and i knew my mom must have taken it to work with her...without fricken asking if i wanted any. I even left the cup out NEXT TO IT so she'd know I wanted some.When she gets home I'm not even going to talk to her about it. She'd find a way to make it MY fault somehow.

I was pissed but i still weighed myself. Fucking 135.8. Means I GAINED .2. Which isn't to bad considering my binge but STILL! Ugh, i was so mad for breakfast i had a can of diet coke just because my mom hates it when i drink diet coke in the morning (aspertane= bad for brain) even though she wasn't even here...ugh, i'm still so mad that my goal is to basically only eat the stinged peas...if i ate the WHOLE bage I'd only be eating like 400ish calories...which would be okish. And to drink 2 more cans of diet coke (fills me up) and to have 2x16.9 fl. of water with only 1 mixer. Who knowz if this will work.

I'm feeling really depressed and sad right now. Any support comments? ):