Smile Like You Mean It.

I'm passive-agressive, I know it.
I haven't been posting because no one comments, few read.
I figured if no one would comment, i might as well not post.
Then i figured I needed this.
Yes, it's so bad, that i actually need something.
I've always prided myself (secretly) in not needing anything.
Then D made me freak out.
What happened (finally!) is we were texting. He seemed odd, and i asked why. He said that he did like me, but just as a friend. And, go fucking figure, he still liked my cuz A.
Bullet through my heart.
Not literally, obviously.

Lately (last 3 weeks? 2?) I've been a bitch and have been leading this guy on.
Imma tell him [soon] that i don't really like him.
All we did is snuggle a bit.
And text.
Alot.
I just don't have feelings for him.
I [almost] wish i did.

Today was bad (food wise) but the days before were good.
Real good.
No more driver's edd (classroom, i'll still have to drive with him...but not for like 2 weeks) so Imma get up early (9 a.m. is freakin' early when you don't sleep enough, just sayin') and go for a walk. I'm not sure how far. I may just do the long loop...3.5 miles...and then tomorrow night i'm doing this sandbag thing for like 4 1/2 hours...lots of lifting...i'm planning on skipping breakfast and just eating lunch...maybe get out of dinner? And i just got my friend M to agree to go with me (on the walk) so i definitely will not let myself get out of it :)

My body is so embaressing right now.
I'll post more, probably every day.
I don't care if no one reads these.

We Won't Stop.

Hi. I couldn't get on the computer untill yesterday, and i was too busy catching up on your guys' posts to write my own. Ha.
Things are going great. Ok, first weight wise. This morning i was 130.4. That's not great, i know, but I'm happy about it. Why? I haven't been counting calories. I know. Ok, i'm still cutting back, but just not counting. Like...i'm eating the same (or about?) but I'm not obsessing as much. I'm really loving it.
School wise: I'm doing better. Every night (for the past two, haha) I've been spending an hour on it. My papers are getting better too, and i just feel alot better about that.
Love life(ha): not sure. It's ok tho, DS is just as confused as i am.
I'm having a short post right now...because i'm not sure what to say. I feel like everything is slowly falling into place. Crap, i bet i just jinzed it (however you spell it).

Just Another Day.

Blah. Nothing interesting to say.
I rearranged my room today...it looks nice.
Thanks for the comments on my last post, that's the only reason I'm even writing one right now.
DS and I have been talking all Spring Break...everyday. That's good.
A is coming back tomorrow night. She'll be at school on Monday.
Food is not my friend. But i keep eating it. Why is that?

He Might Just Fall In Love With Her.

Sorry I've been gone. I had some major binge days, but I'm ok with it. I stopped, but still. I like that days when i can eat and not freak out. I feel normal. :)

Breakfast:
1 oatmeal (130)
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
2 cups lettuce (14)
1 serving Mandarin Oranges (60ish)

Dinner:
1 peice cheese pizza (230)

Total: 434.

Weight: 132.7

Plus i had track...which kind of sucked. Before i left for the pep band thing i was 130.9. I really wanna get back to that. And i think i will by tomorrow. I hope I will.
Relationships wise? I don't know. Remember when i went on and on about L? I'm confused by him. He hasn't talked to me 1-on-1 since then.
Plus DS might go for me. Let me explain. I had this major thing for this guy two years ago. I mean, MAJOR. Well i told A about him and she went on and on about how i'm too good for him. She went for him like 6 months later, and they had a thing for 3 months, and then dated for another 4 or 5. Well, she was really horrible to him, and we've always kind of been friends. Not close friends, but friends. We've been emailing on Facebook a bunch of times every day for like a week, and he said he kind of likes me. He just doesn't know how'd it work because of A. It's all super complicated. But honestly? DS makes me feel different. Don't get me wrong, i still have a thing for L, but DS...i don't know. I guess he just...UUUUUUUGH...I don't know how to explain it.

I'll inform you when anything changes. I'm really tired and have a ton of homework to do. I'll write tomorrow

Please Come Back Home.

Dinner:
1 peice of pizza (200?)

Snack:
1 diet coke (0)
1 oatmeal (130)

Total: 330.

210+330= 540.

I know pizza is usually more than that, but since i didn't eat the topping (meat) i think it should be around here. No promises. And I'm not even hungry but I'm eating the oatmeal. I love having the choice. :)

I'm Goona Try Harder.

Track practice: Ha! Let's just say we barely did anything AND guess what? I kept up with the stud. Actually J (stud) and I were talking the whole time. It was actually almost fun. Haha, i like that i can relate to her while she's a junior and I'm just a little 8th grader. (Haha, little...right.)

Breakfast:
1 oatmeal (130)
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
1 1/3 cup lettuce (10)
1 small apple (70)

Snack:
1 diet coke (0)

Total:210

So far so good, i guess. I knew i shouldn't have had that oatmeal, but i read online that people that don't eat enough breakfast usually snack all day and weigh the most. I don't know what I'll eat tomorrow. Maybe the same, maybe not.

Weight: 134.6 [-.5]

I know, i still weigh a ton. I think It's because how much I'm eating. I've averaging around 600 cal. a day, when i used to average about 300. Sadly, i kind of like the 600 because then i don't feel hungry...like at all. I don't know, I have no idea what i want right now.

I'm not sure what I'm having for dinner. I really like how i gave up meat for lent. The reason why is because it's so darn easy not eating as much. Plus i had to finish my math test and so left early. I think i did ok. I hope i did ok. :)

OMGOSH! I ALMOST forgot to tell you! Ok, so one of the reasons i was so upset last week or whenever was because i found out L and S liked each other! Well...it seemed like they did, i don't know now. But guess what? L SAT DOWN NEXT TO ME AND STARTING TALKING! Ok, for most guys this isn't a big deal...but L's different. He doesn't sit down and talk to people unless he really wants to. Yeah. Oh and we've been making a lot of eye contact. He has this dark dark hair, almost black, and these perfectly brown eyes, again, really dark. He's taller and really muscular, and extremely funny. Bonus: my family and his family used to be good friends (not sure why they aren't anymore?) He's gorgous, and he's sooooooo not a player. *sigh* :)

She'll Paint A Secret.

Dinner:
2 fish sticks (120)
1 peice of whole wheat bread (80)
Total: 200

200+440= 640

Stupid fish sticks! Haha, oh well. I can live with two of them. I was fearing that I'd have to eat like 7 or something like that...but we didn't eat together...and so i just went downstairs and ate. Yes, i could have thrown out the fish sticks, and i did think of that. But, i can live with that. I mean, fish? I know it's processed and has a bunch of junk added to it, but i'll need it...tomorrow. Haha, bull, i know. But I'm not too worried about that. I'm goona have a jello before bed (tho i want an oatmeal really bad). I would have the oatmeal but remember how i had one last night? Well my dad was like, "Why are you eating that? You ate dinner!" News flash, oatmeal helps burn fat. Just sayin'. Oh, and it's yummy. And it's flippin' oatmeal, not a chocolate bar. Whatever.

I'm super nervous about tomorrow. Man, it's going to be hard. Just realized that i'll only have tomorrow this week of Track because on Fri. pep band is skippin' school and going to perform somewhere. Yay. Haha, i am soooo sick of school. Oh right, math test tomorrow. I've been doing better. Turns out: I had a wrong formula. Not that that made me get everything wrong, but it sure didn't help.

I'll Take The Sunlight With Me.

You girls are SOOOOOOOOOO nice! Haha, you know who you are! :) And I think I'd have to buy a box...but I'm seriously considering that :)

Ok...so A is leaving for the Spanish trip (a ton of people taking spanish get to go to Spain for 11 days...hopefully me next year!) so i decided to eat in front of her. But, somehow the disgusting looking food was actually... good? To bad i realized how high in calorie it was...oops.

Breakfast:
1 granola bar (90)
1 cup coffee (0)

Snack:
Candies(50?)

Lunch:
Weird squared pizza thing (300?)

Snack:
1 diet coke

Total: 440.

Again, oops. Haha, i was honestly going to eat only 1/2 of it...but then everyone had two whole ones...and A had 3! Yes, 3! But, she gave up eating in-between meals for lent (even though she isn't Catholic...) and so she was hungry. Haha...

And the candies? Well i was out of gum...and i have to chew on something, hehe, and so i just chewed on these candies. They were good, but made me really hungry, hence the pizza. I know, no more candies.

I'm in a good mood. Again, not a great total, but whatever. I find it even weirder considering i weighed 135.1 this morning. Which is totally unacceptable, i know. I'm just goona slowly go back to the 300 cal...but i'm not sure when. Track, remember? (Haha, PolyAnna:) Turns out i'm just goona be running with this stud girl and boy for the rest of this week...and some of next. (It's ok, no one expects me to keep up with them, haha).

I have more to say (don't I always?) but i'm goona find something interesting to do (yeah right, I'll probably just mess around) untill dinner. Which is...60 per one. Ouch. Maybe i'll have a peice of bread with it. I dout i can get out of eating them. Ugh.

Don't Give Up On Me, Baby.

Dinner:
1/2 BBQ sandwich (75)
1 corn on the cob (100)

Snack:
1 oatmeal (130)

Total: 305

305+270= 575

Not very good, i know, but i needed the oatmeal. I felt like binging. I can't do that.

I decided i will go to the indoor track meet soon, which means practice. I'll offically have 4 days of really hard work (300-400 cals burned) I'm already nervious. I think that's what triggered the almost binge.

My brother's sellin' these chocolate peanut butter bear things out of a catologe for school. I really wanna buy a box of them, but i know I won't eat them untill i feel like binging. Then I will. Then I'll purge, because i'm mad at myself. I know how, but I'm already scared. Maybe this will be the motivation to not binge. Who knows?

This Time, Right Now.

Ok, I'm back. I'm sorry about my little freak out. I couldn't write. The past couple of days have binge after painful binge. I don't even wanna guess my weight. Yes, it was that bad.

I decided that for now on, i will purge after binging. Why would i wanna do something terrible like that? Because i have a mini-phobia of puking. I think it's the whole crying and hating yourself, but i already feel terrible after i binge, and i can't keep all of it in me. I'll try it, but hopefully won't need it for a while.

Breakfast:
1 cookie (75)
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
2/3 cup lettuce (5)
1/4 chicken patty with bun (150?)
1 serving green beans (40)

Total: 270

Not too bad. I wouldn't have had the patty, but i'm giving up meat for lent, and i thought that i should eat it. Oh, and my cousin A ate the rest. Haha. Sorry, i find that funny. She's been pretty mean to me lately, so i think that i can be kind of mean on my own blog, just sayin'.

Another thing: Track. Yeah, it's here...maybe. You see, everyone else isn't starting untill Spring Break, but my coach is hoping I'll start practicing with like 4 kids that are going to this inside meet soon. She wants me to long jump and do a sprint. I placed in Regionals last year (7th grade) and I broke the long jump record again last year, so I know i could do it, but I'm just thinking of the running. Yes, I know, pathedic, but I'd be running with these 3 girls that are studs, and this one studly boy. Intimidating. Plus my coach pushes you REALLY hard. Like untill you wanna cry. I kinda wanted to wait before i had to go through that again. But it would be good for me. I need to tell her tomorrow. I'm leaning more on doing it, but I'm not sure. Any thoughts?
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OliviaLee: I don't know when i would have came back if it weren't for you. I mean it. I'm still not feeling any better (about myself) but thanks for letting me know you understood.

I Can't Take Glory In Something I Can't Be.

Breakfast:
1 cupcake (200?)

Lunch:
1 1/3 lettuce (12)
2 tbs. cottage cheese (140)
1 tbs. fat free yogurt (30?)

Snack:
1 jello (10)

Total: 392.

Output: 230ish

I'm still ashamed. I can't talk. I'm sorry.

Screaming For Confidence, Bleeding For More.

I don't even wanna talk right now.

One little annoying thing, and i ruin my day.

I'm pathedic. I could have stopped, i should have.

I don't know what to do.

All I Really Need Is To Breathe.

Long, long weekend. Ha, it's only Sat. night.

Yesterday we practiced our instruments for 6 hrs. 360 min. To, flipin', long. And today? Another 3. 180 min.

Good thing? I weighed 128.8 pounds yesterday morning. Wow, right? Haha, i jumped up in down for like 10 seconds.

Bad thing? Since then I've eated thousands of calories, seriously. I'm goona go stuff my face with cereal before bed too. Why? Yesterday we got there early to set up, and i was so tired. Like it took way more effort than it should have to lift some easy things. I felt dizzy. I can't do that. I'm an athlete. Track's starting in like 2 weeks and we run...alot. Ugh. But i think eating normal (haha, for a 13 year old girl) when I'm with other people (other than family, they'll let me eat salads without making to many comments) out of town is fine.

Plan? Haha, of course I have one. :) Tomorrow I'm going to barely eat (make up for some of yesterday and today) and then I'll continue to barely eat untill i'm 125. Then, I'll eat about 500 cal. a day. I'll try to maintain, but I'm not sure If I'll continnue to lose or not. I don't want to (wow, right!?!) get any lower than that for awhile. I'm so scared that someone's goona notice. Not that it's even that noticable. I can basically only tell on my tummy (smaller) collarbones (stick out more) and hips (same) oh, and my back (less fat) haha, yes, i notice these things.

I'm goona go and eat and then sleep. I have early church tomorrow which i can't get out of. I love God, but i really don't think he cares if i misses a few church services here and there, atleast when I'm exhausted. *yawn*
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Olivia Lee: Yeah, i absolutely love them. The salsa makes up for the lettuce. Haha, you kind of forget you're eating a salad. And I'm recomend getting spicey salsa, speeds up metabolism (i bet you already know) and it makes me crave water. Then, after i sip on that, I'm suddenly full. It's wonderful :) Oh, and thanks! I like your blog too :)

I Wish I Had Never Had To Say That.

Ok, my total will probably be pretty high and my workout was around 150ish i think. Why? I'm scared I'm losing too fast. I know, crazy, right? I'm just scared as soon as i start eating remotely normal I'll balloon up. I can't do that.

Breakfast:
1 medium banana (110)
1 coffee (0)

Lunch:
1/2 banana (55)
3/4 cup lettuce (5)
1 serving canned peaches (50)

Snack:
2 lollies (50ish)
1 can and 1 bottle diet coke (0)

Dinner:
Salad (35) [consiting of lettuce and a lot of salsa]

Total: 305

I'm confused. How did i get that low of a number? I honestly didn't try. Ok, i didn't have a snack before the diet coke, which i really wanted, but still. I'm kind of amazed. How come this is so easy? It used to be so hard.

Weight: 130.4 [-1.2]

I know, i FINALLY got to 130! Haha, SUPER HAPPY! And I'm pretty sure I'l BE IN THE 120'S BY TOMORROW!!! I'm SOOOOOOO excited!

One thought tho: should i care no one's noticed yet?

Oh, and leaving for band tomorrow. I'll write Sat. night most likely. I'm kind of really nervous. What if i mess up? And what about the food? Tomorrow morning i don't know if I'll eat breakfast or not. I'll have a ton of coffee (3-4cups) atleast, because we're stopping at a gas station (Yikes!) and getting food. I think I'll avoid it and say i already ate. I'll try. I'm sure I'll eat plenty later tho. Or maybe I'll eat the last jello? My mom should buy more by the time i return. I have this sinking feeling that when i come back I'll be 3 pounds heavier. Ouch, right?

Tell Me What To Do.

I need to hurry.

Dinner:
1 huge serving of chicken fried rice (150ish?)

Snack:
1 rootbeer float (130ish)

Total: 280

280+104= 384.

Not as great as it should have been. I wouldn't have had that float if we didn't have this party thing AGAIN and everyone took them. I couldn't not. They'd question me. I'm sick of questions.

Weight: 131.6 [-1.9]

I know, i forgot to post my weight earlier. I honestly forgot. I need to go to bed. I have so much work to catch up on.
I'm goona go to the gym tomorrow. I'm hoping to burn around 400 cals....and i know i can eat under that because the lunch their serving (some weird potatoe thing) i hate. Everyone knows I hate it. No one will question me. Thank God.

It Wasn't Me.

People annoy me, ya know? Ok, you don't, let me explain. So at lunch they had ham and cheese sandwhiches which i didn't wanna eat. I'd eat something else. I kindly offered it to my cousin A and then my kind-of friend M freaked. "Why aren't you eating it? Huh!" And then A started in. "Yeah, you've been giving us your food this whole week. (true) Why? Huh? You don't eat anymore. Going Ana are you? Huh!?!"

I got all defensive and wanted to cry. D tried to stick up for me and was like, "I've seen her eat. She's weird and only eats in patterns." Everyone looked at her and she continued. "Like, she doesn't eat during the day, but then she just eats everything in sight at night."

Part of me was mad, and i was like, "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! I eat ALL of the time! (at the time i was eating carrots) Remember last weekend! Huh!" everyone at my table was staring at me. But, go figure, i continued. "You call eating a big breakfast, lunch, ICE CREAM, dinner, and a ton of junk food at night NOT EATING!"

D said that that wasn't very much and everyone changed the sub. But honestly, i'm still mad. Sorry, D, but we can't all eat hundreds of calories per meal plus 3 snacks a day and still all be 107 pounds. Whatever.

Breakfast:
1 jello (10)
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
1 2/3 cup lettuce (12)
Tiny meat cubes (7ish?)
Glazed carrots (75ish?)

Snack:
1 diet coke (0)

Total: 104.

Good day, so far. I think I'm goona eat some disgustingly fattening dinner with the fam. I don't even know if i can get out of it, I'll try tho.

Sorry for freakin' on ya'll. It just gets really frusterating, ya know? But i am kind of glad D tried to stand up for me. She and i had a convo about it last weekend. I said that it probably was as hurtful when everyone told her that she's too skinny (she DOES eat, she just doesn't gain weight. She's been trying!) as when they tell me I'm ana.

I've told you guys' this before. I'm not anorexic, ok? I'm sick of being called that. I restrict. I watch what i eat. I have to. But I'm not anorexic. I wish people would just not question my eating habits, it's none of their buisness's.

You're So Distracting.

I feel sick. Seriously.

Dinner:
1 serving scrambled eggs(85)
1 serving deer meat (180ish)

Total: 265

265+187= 452

Ugh. I was goona have a good day. I was. And i was only goona have a salad(25). And i would have if my mom hadn't cooked and my dad wasn't sitting right next to me. He thought that i barely ate anything. Ha.

My stomach feels too full, and it feels funny. I hope I didn't completely ruin my results for tomorrow. Crap.

This Night Is Flawless, Don't You Let It Go.

Aww! Does anyone not love the cover of Enchanted by Adam Young!?! Haha, i heard it a couple weeks ago and forgot about it...but then i remembered it today...and it's sooooooooo sweet!

Ok, haha, enough of that. I can already tell that today isn't going to be a nearly as good as yesterday day, but it still should be good. Let's see:

Breakfast:
1 jello(10)
1 cup coffee(0)

Lunch:
1 3/4 cup lettuce (12ish)
2 tbs. salsa (10)
1 serving canned green beans (25ish)
1 serving apple sauce (100)

Snack:
2 diet cokes(0)
3/4 cup cut green beans (30)

Total: 187

Weight: 133.4 (not too bad considered how i ate this weekend)

See? Not as good. But yes, it is still very good for me. And i know i shouldn't have had that apple sauce, and i almost didn't. I ate half of it, and then got two salads with the salsa...and i don't drink milk there anymore (caf.) because of the calories and my mouth was really hot. I needed something, and they didn't have any water. I shouldn't have finished it, i know, but oh well.

I'm feeling alot better today, which is good. The bad thing is that i won't have any excersize today because i was gone at an Orthodontist appointment and got back like an hour ago...and was to lazy to walk to the gym (parents are both at work). I think I'll just have a salad and then a jello later. I'm trying to not eat so much jello (that's why i had green beans for a snack) because my mom didn't buy any more the other day...and I only have like 3 or 4 left...and I really wanna save them for breakfast. I'm going to try to convince my mom to get some more and then i'll take some for this weekend. I'll write later...I'm not very interesting :)
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PollyAnna: I know, i guess i was just in a kind of funk? Haha, i'm not sure. 212 is a good number, and i should have been happier. Thanks tho! Just so you know, your comments kind of make my day :) You make me feel like I'm not alone.

I Wanted Words, But All I Got Was Nothing.

Hey! Ok...let's see how it all went down.

Dinner:
1 1/2 tbs. taco meat(75ish)
1 cup lettuce (7)
2 tbs. salsa (15)

Snack:
1 cup cranberry juice (40)
1 jello (10)

Total: 147

147+65= 212

That's the best I've ever down. Sad fact? I feel like i could have done better. Oh well. I'm ok with 212 calories in a day.

I was rereading a few of my old posts. It's kind of scary to think how my thoughts have changed. I mean, i was always focused on food, but before i thought 800 calorie days were great. Now I'm not even that happy about 212. What happened?

If You Ever Come Back.

Today feels like a good day. I managed to avoid eating a corndog and fries for lunch (300ish)...which is good. Sadly, i don't feel so good. My stomache is bloated and hurts...and i have diarea. Uhh.

Breakfast:
1 jello (10)
1 cup coffee (0)

Lunch:
Canned pears (30ish)
3/4 lettuce (5)
Tiny meat cube things (10?)

Snack:
1 jello (10)

Total: 65.

I'm smiling right now. Haha. I'm pretty darn pround. Oh, and i did exercise. I biked for a little over an hour (350?) and I did this stepping thing for like 10 min (50ish).

I think I'm just going to have a salad and then a frozen jello later one. I am honestly very tired...and i just checked my grade and math and i got it up. THANKFULLY! I now have a C- in it which is still terrible, but atleast i get my iPod back! :)
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PollyAnna: Haha, it sucks, right? Well i didn't actually do it today (stomach) but i'm hoping to soon. And I think I'll write more about my sax. playing later. I'll probably mention it in atleast a few more posts before this weekend.
Sofia: Yes, laughter truely is the best medicine (in my opinion)